The R&B Misconception: When A Man Doesn't Want You...

R&B music used to be about love back in the day, but these days, the bulk of it is about sexing folks we don't love, loving people who never loved us nor treated us very good, as well as wanting men who clearly don't want us. 

There's a certain power and influence that music has in which it has a way of shaping our thoughts with its prevailing messages regarding relationships, men, sex, and even street violence. 

As a culture, we'll continue to blame rap music for the problem with black men's addiction to the thug lifestyle and frivolous money management...but perhaps we ought to pay attention to the dangerous themes R&B music continues to promote by romanticizing desperate behavior and shaky relationship antics. 

Ladies, it's never smart to waste your time wanting someone who has made it clear that he doesn't want you. It doesn't matter if Melanie Fiona, Jennifer Hudson or Jazmine Sullivan is providing the vocals...the message is still pretty much the same. You're empty because some man who never really wanted you left...that's not love, it's dependency, and a slight case of desperation.

Take the great lyrics away and even remove the melody...and we've got some beautiful sisters, who've manage to allow a man to put a spotlight on their insecurities. 

Sure, the song was backed up by some strong vocals...but why the hell are we needing men who don't even WANT us? 

Now I'm not writing this as the woman who was too good to get her heart broken, because trust me when I say I know the pain that an individual can cause after telling you he loves you, but never providing any actions to back up that claim. But in my mid 20s, I'm finally beginning to understand how empty words can become when they simply are not backed up by actions. Love is just a word to many people, and since it is, I've come to understand why many of us are confused ourselves about if we were ever loved in the first place.

I can tell you when someone willingly walks out of your life, they never loved you. And since they didn't, maybe it's no need to want them back.

I mean seriously, what's there to gain by having someone in your life who doesn't even love you?

Perhaps writing ballads and albums about men who didn't even find us worthy enough to love is pretty damn pointless. In fact, it's just as pointless as holding on to broken relationships and people who treat us like nobodies.

In fact, you were such a nobody to this man, that he packed up his stuff and left you like a nobody. 

Love, real love, teaches us that when things get hard, we're supposed to go harder. Love encourages support, and even the fight in us...yet, he's managed to walk away from you as if it all meant nothing.

And these are the types of men you want back in your life? Logically, it's the dumbest thing a woman can ever do, yet, most of us will make a habit out of it in our personal lives.

When a relationship ends, you just have to let go. There's no need in reviving anything or anybody that thought so low of you to leave you. These men are not gods, so the worship and dependency for them just cannot be justified, not even by someone's faulty misconception of love. 

Now that I do have a relationship with God, I cringe every time a woman believes she needs a man to survive. You don't need a man, you need a God. And I'm pretty sure He would never walk out on you, but instead; we'll continue to give some man who never loved us our time, tears, and energy...and he's not even worthy of any of it.

Every time I hear these beautifully written ballads about women wanting troubled men to come back into our lives after treating us badly and then leaving us, it's just a reminder of how twisted our understanding of love and happiness really is. Do these women not understand that the man for them won't walk out of their lives or treat them like jump offs instead of the love of their lives? Or is that just too hard to believe?

Either way, love yourself enough to have enough courage to let someone go, in faith that someone better will come into your life. It will take time to heal, and that's just the dynamics of life. But in the meantime, don't mistake desperation and self insecurities as love, because love doesn't encourage either.

God bless.