By: Amanda Anderson-Niles
Why do we do this?
I have a few guesses, but I would have to say the problem stems from our overcommitment to men who have never bothered to commit to us. We do this occasionally as an attempt to work things out with people who have no desire to put any work into their half of the relationship. We should walk away happily when we realize that we have been involved in an unhealthy relationship. But instead, we need to hear why we've been treated this way, when it doesn't matter why but the fact that we were mistreated should be enough to move on.
Another problem is our sense of entitlement. After putting up with so much disrespect from one person, we feel they finally owe us some respect for our decision to stay way too long. But they don't owe us what we owe ourselves, and that's knowing better, and eventually doing better.
We simply feel entitled to the wrong things. Instead of feeling that closure is owed to us for our devotion to someone we had no business being with, we ought to feel entitled to being respected the first moments we embark in any relationship, and throughout the relationship. Simply put, we ought to feel entitled to a good man! So much so that staying with just any man won't do.
Why do we wait until the last moment to make demands?
I'm a true believer that when a man wants a woman, he's going to do what it takes to keep that woman. So if we've made our needs clear and he still won't oblige, it's quite clear that he is not trying to keep you. And by you hanging on to a man that isn't trying to keep you, you're loudly confirming without words that your needs and happiness aren't really important. And it's hard to make anything work out with a man who realizes you'll give up your own happiness just to keep him around.
It's best to require any man that has an interest in you to treat you right from the beginning, anything else and you'll have to settle for closure.
Desperation for titles turns into settling for role playing.
By: Amanda Anderson-Niles
The success we've always had running this magazine has been a rawness. We weren't necessarily preaching, but more so revealing our past mistakes in hopes to make someone a lot smarter than we were at the time of the error. But in every relationship article was true emotion. And I've become emotional to society's blatant disrespect to marriage. Since reciting my vows at the altar and proclaiming to share my life with this one man until death, I now wince at anyone who treats their boyfriend as husband.
Now this isn't about me feeling like I'm somehow better due to my newly obtained nuptials. But I'd be a liar and a very naive one if I didn't acknowledge the ultimate disrespect many seem to have regarding marriage.
You see, I for the life of me could never understand how any man who hasn't made the ultimate commitment deserves to be treated as the king in my household.
I simply refused to treat any man like my husband if he wasn't my husband. I'm sure my mentality isn't the most attractive to any man who isn't interested in committing, but rejection and disinterest from the wrong kind of men is a good thing.
I made up in my head during my single days that I wasn't going to be cooking, cleaning, and screwing a man who wasn't really mine...all mine.
No, playing house was never an option for me as I never saw the benefits in catering to some man that could easily walk away at any moment.
Call me crazy, self righteous, boogie and even arrogant; but I wasn't going to act like a wife to any man until I was a wife.
And it turns out that strategy worked out for me eventually as now I am a wife. I'm pretty sure my husband realized while we were dating that me caving to the pressure of our society's obsession to become "wifey" just wasn't a reality for me. I wasn't going to settle for becoming wifey when I knew I could become wife.
This is the same reason I think ride or die chicks are delusional. The only man we should be riding or dying for is our husbands. Not some knuckle head who still refuses to commit to you and refuses to make choices that will benefit your relationship because he rather show his boys how real he is or how many women he can still keep on the side.
Dating is merely a series of auditions. And until engagement or marriage, no man deserves an ultimate commitment from you. No, I'm not saying you should be bagging several men while dating that one brother you really like, but I am saying that women shouldn't feel obligated to stay and work things out with men we aren't married to.
Yes ladies, we should walk away from any man who hasn't shown us any real reason to stay. That boyfriend title just isn't great enough to warrant our unwavering devotion.
Out of anger, some of you will read this article and tell yourselves (and perhaps me) that marriage isn't even that serious, yet I'm sure if you sat back and observed you'd be able to see many people who have chosen to imitate its benefits. It's always the people who attempt to mock and devalue marriage who are involved in their own imitational versions of it.
That man who told you he never wants to get married wouldn't oppose a live in girlfriend (wifey) who was cooking, cleaning, and screwing him the way he wanted...would he?
There is nothing wrong with cooking your significant other a nice dinner from time to time, but know that your purpose in life is not to provide the benefits of marriage to men you are not married to. We as women can't continue to complain about our difficulties in getting married if we are pretending to be married to every man we date. Even fear of loneliness should not keep you from being aware of your true position in dating.
Know your worth and leave the role playing to the wifeys.
Who is he really feeling…The real you or your spokesperson?By: Taren Vaughan
First impressions…how crucial they can be. One slip of the tongue, strand of hair out of place or a fail in wardrobe selection can make that first date your very last. Your appearance along with the things that come out of your mouth are your life lines. And knowing this, we try our hardest to be on point with every single thing, no matter how much it cost or how long it takes to do.
And when it comes to this, some of us as women can get a little out of control with it, transforming into a person that we ourselves have never even seen before; a character that is completely different from our normal selves.
Just that morning, you had shoulder length hair, a simple manicure and a light coat of make-up. Date time comes around and things change with the quickness. Hair is flowing down your back, nails are a couple inches longer now and make-up is caked on extra thick. Seeing you all dolled up this way, surely a man would be impressed and want to see you again and maybe even take it a step further. Much props to you for that but did you ever stop to think that he may be expecting the exact same replica of you on a regular basis?
So now you go from weavin’ it up for one night to having to keep it up on a consistent basis. Taking numerous trips to the nail salon is now apart of your agenda. And no more stepping outside of the house bare faced with a pair of jeans or sweats on. Dolled up at all times you must be. At this point, you have to ask yourself, who has this man fallen for, the real you or the spokesperson version of you? Could he accept you in pure form, without all the extras?
I’m sure we all can agree that first impressions hold significant value. There is no doubt about that. But they are important for a reason that many of us miss. It’s true that they are what can make or break you on a first date but who says you can’t still be yourself in the process?
If you are not a woman who likes wearing added hair or spending hours on end in a nail salon, then don’t. Wearing make-up not your thing? Then rock your natural glow. Sometimes we get too hung up on impressing a guy that we lose our true images in the process.
The best first impressions are always the realest ones. And that is what he should be falling for.
Many women stay in unhealthy relationships because they have been brainwashed to believe that paying dues is required for love. But when did being loved require being treated like sh-t first? Does paying dues make a now incompatible person somehow compatible later?
By: Amanda Niles
I get the whole relationship scenario better now as a married woman. Perhaps it's because I've matured, figured out who I am, let go of some nasty old habits, and learned how to be content with myself. I haven't exhaled or written off black men, but I've grown and realized finally that most of my relationship troubles were because of...me.
Through a series of repeated bad decisions and an addiction to the wrong types of men, although mistreated and lied to, at some point after the lessons have been learned, a woman does bear some responsibilities.
The problem lies in the unfortunate fact that most of us believe that we must pay some sort of dues to land love, when love shouldn't unfairly require so much of one person, and so less of the other.
I can't take all the credit in my growth, however.
I'm pretty sure all of my horrid relationships have much to do with the good relationship and marriage I'm in now. Yeah, sometimes it takes a bad thing to see a good thing a mile away, when before a good thing was a little boring and mistaken for merely a friend when up close and personal. And I'm quite sure any stable and mature human being can understand that our mistakes play a role in our pending blessings. But it's way too easy to confuse painful and necessary lessons with paying unnecessary dues with the most unnecessary people. To put it short and sweet, too many of us may feel we're just paying our much needed dues, but in reality, we're just wasting our time "re-learning" the same exact lessons.
We know that the relationship we tried to work on for three years just wasn't meant to be, but when we see that ex-douche-bag/boyfriend make it work with the other girl who we swear isn't all that cute, there's a sense of resentment that he somehow made it work with...someone so basic.
I mean seriously, we have the degree, successful career, impeccable wardrobe, we're gorgeous with a sick body, we throw down in the kitchen, dealt his bullsh-t for two years...and then he puts a ring on the chick that has half our credentials and only tolerated his dusty behind for 6 months?
It's not so much love as it is a sense of entitlement.
Immediately, we get salty. We paid our dues, and she just came along at the right time. The time when he finally decided to grow up and commit after he wouldn't commit to us. In most cases, he hasn't really changed, but the change in his relationship status is enough to blur our memory on just why he ain't all that to begin with.
Yeah it hurts just as badly as it did when we ended things and finally managed to walk away. But we can't forget that somewhere inside of what could have been is still what ISN'T and WILL NEVER BE. And that's just it:
Paying dues can't turn the wrong man into the right one. Relationships aren't easy, but none one of us were created to stay in relationships that were always meant to be short term. Staying where you shouldn't be is unhealthy, disastrous, and the quickest way to misery .
It's easy to forget what we have been through when we're still trying to get somewhere, but there's just no pay off for the woman still paying her dues in her mid 20s.
The title explains it all.
By: Taren Vaughan
The female population is quite diverse wouldn’t you say? Our uniqueness in style of dress from the way that we rock our hair sets us apart from each other. Many positive things that you can say about us women. Now on to the not so positive things, or better yet differences between us women folk and one of the biggest is being lifestyles. Some of us are used to getting nice things every now and then from our significant others. A random delivery of flowers on the job or walking into your house with a home cooked meal waiting for you on the kitchen table. Most women would absolutely adore a man like this. Oh, but not an O.P.F. That’s minor to an Overly Pampered Female.
Don’t know what an O.P.F. is? Let me break it down for you.
An O.P.F. is woman that the cake, icing, the toppings. Hell, she wants everything on the dessert table. She wants it all and is not satisfied until she gets it.
The thousand dollar shopping sprees, the expensive dinners night after night; this sister asks and this sister gets. The first amendment in her eyes the right to spend and be pampered with no limits attached.
Who is to blame for this spoiled, “Money can buy my love” type of woman?
Their man of course; his mentality is to keep her happy at all cost, even if it means racking up overdraft fees in the process. It’s all about pleasing the O.P.F. She is used to glitz and glamour and her man will see to it that nothing has to change.
See, some women get used to a certain lifestyle. Some women are used to their man not being able to spend endless amounts of money on them and are very content with whatever he is able to do for them. On the other end of the spectrum, there are those who have grown quite fond of the “good life” that they have been living. Being overly pampered is not a privilege to them; it’s damn near a right. And if you try to take that right away from her, all hell will break loose. The attitude starts flarin’, the mouth starts runnin’ and most of all, the denial starts setting in.
They can’t quite grasp the fact that they can’t ball out like they used to because their man has suffered a pay cut or they have had that “pink slip delivery”. Things have totally changed for their family financially and buying a new pair of Louboutin shoes is not top priority on your man’s list.
Downsizing is the focus now. Trying to figure out how to pay the bills is the focus now. Bills first, Dooney and Burke, second.
The O.P.F.’s have a hard time understanding this though. “No” is a word that they have grown unfamiliar with and is non-existence in their vocabulary. And “broke” is one that they try to dodge like a bullet. Simplicity is a stretch and hard to stomach for them.
So until the men who are in relationships with them grow some serious balls, they will always be sure to catch a case of an O.P.F.
For those who think an open relationship is the perfect thing for your relationship, you are in for a rude awakening.
By A.J. Niles
By A.J. Niles
The idea of an open relationship may sound good in theory. Your partner allows you to pursue sexual conquests of other people; You get to date others and your partner at the same time. To the immature person, this really seems like the best thing ever.
However, when this theory is aplied in real life, things are not what they seem.
Now you may be asking yourself, “I see and know of celebrities and athletes that live this lifestyle so it can not be that bad, can it?”
Superstar actor Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith have let it be known that they practice an open relationship. Well if you have been reading the papers, blogs or watching television lately, you have heard about the rumors of a break-up between the two. Supposedly, Will caught Jada in his house “creepin'” with another celebrity.
Now aren't these open relationships supposed to build trust and whatnot? That is something Will and Jada have been proclaiming. However, if that trust was there, supposedly, then this would have never happened (if it did).
This is just one of just a plethora of cases that show why an open relationship just is not a good idea.
If a person truly loved you and respected you, they would not dare seek another person emotionally and/or physically. You would be their everything and would not need or want to give that up.
So if your partner is approaching you with talk of having an open relationship or asking for you to bring another person during your intimate time, there is a serious disconnect there and you need to re-evaluate the relationship.
That leads me to say this: contrary to popular belief, threesomes and “swinging” are not good ideas. Swinging and threesomes are something else that Will and Jada proclaim as great things that spice up their sex life, supposedly. However, you really have to question the relationship if your partner wants to take you to a party where you all have sex with other couples. Not only is that high risk sexual behavior, it will not establish and cement the trust you have in your relationship nor will it save it if it's on the rocks.
Think about it for a second. How is having sex with another person going to improve your relationship?If you really believe that, I have some land on Mars I want to sell you. The only way to save your relationship is to close ranks and love and respect them enough to talk through your issues and work to see them through.
Relationships are seldom easy and if they seem easy, something is seriously wrong. Even though they are not easy, you can rest assured that bringing another person in the bedroom or having an open relationship is only going to compound those issues and make your relationship much worse.
And as for Will and Jada, I hope the rumors are not true and what not.
Some women spend way too much of their time lifting up their legs on the Facebook walls of their significant others.
By: Amanda Anderson
Facebook is not only a social experiment turned addiction; it's a disease, a disgusting cyber-esque plague that has infected the brains of many women who were once civil in their former social lives. How can it be that something as mundane and simple as Facebook has a way of making the grow-nest of folks seem so childish?
Is it the simplicity of blasting all of our personal business to thousands of strangers and once familiar faces? Or have we always been this ridiculous, and the social networks are more of a magnifying glass to the flaws we could once hide offline?
In one simple status update, I know who's been knocked up, who's getting divorced, who's embarking on a new booty call, who is a booty call and lastly; who's insecure about their latest "committed" relationship.
Yes, it's truly that easy, and the sad thing is that Facebook has a pretty crappy return policy. You see, there are no returns actually, considering that you can never take back what you put out on your Facebook news feed. Even after its deletion, that secret you released is there forever. And sadly, it's fresh on the brains of an audience who cares little about you and your latest issue. However, you and your issues are so damn entertaining.
While I could write a book with many chapters on the many different types of Facebook dilemmas, my biggest pet peeve is Facebook Wall Pissin'. Someone may mistake me for a total hater (we live in a society of limited vocabulary and insults), but honestly, there's nothing more annoying than the woman who can't seem to refrain from lifting her leg on her man's/potential's Facebook wall.
Everyone has seen this ridiculous display of childishness in some shape or form. Rather it's the girlfriend who comments on every single status, every picture; or the stalker type chick who actually logs on to her man's Facebook account just to tell him some mushy crap in his own status she penned herself...while logging into his account. These women are annoying, and the perfect example of what insecurity can do in relationships during the social network era.
I mean, we get IT; you love him, he's yours...but if he's really yours, do you really have to make it known daily on a social networking site that is more damaging than helpful?
And it's not like your little territorial displays will keep females at bay, as we all know taken men are more appealing, regardless of the nutty girlfriend with a nasty Facebook addiction. How often have we heard that some raunchy Alicia Keys/Fantasia Barrino type woman backed off because you...updated a Facebook status or wrote 30 comments in his photo album?
The thing that I really can't understand is why some people believe that going hard on Facebook will keep a relationship together. Haven't we all seen the relationship fail with the guy who professed who love daily via Facebook to only end up being the biggest social networking whore when no one was looking?
And if that is the case, maybe the best relationships don't need the most attention, or the most social networking territorial displays.
When a man is truly ours, he is truly ours; and it's not because of our Facebook territorial tactics, but because he wants to be.
So the next time you get an itch to lift up your leg and act in your insecurities, remember real ladies are squatters, with little to show, and even less to prove.
Log out, and put your energy into your relationship, not the newsfeed. And just maybe, you won't have to change your relationship status anytime soon.
So your last relationship didn't quite work out like you expected...but just how long should you be angry? In a hostile relationship environment, should you go off or move on?
By: Amanda Anderson
The longer I spend on the most popular of social networks, it becomes even more clear that most people spend most of their energy proving something to their exes, instead of taking the loose ends and just moving on. This flawed behavior is very obvious thanks to a series of immaturity filled status updates, and irate tweets and wall postings. While it's completely natural to be a little emotional when love disappoints us, should we really allow someone who failed us to occupy all of our grown ass-ness, attention, and Facebook tendencies?
Exhibit A: Every Facebook Status Update Is About You "Doing You"
As a woman who was "doing her" three years before meeting someone I could do; I'm pretty sure you understand me when I say the person that is really "doing them" doesn't have time to keep reminding Facebook as such because they are busy...doing them.
Is there really anything more annoying than that particular "doer" who really isn't doing sh-t to move on from that toxic relationship they refuse to let go of?
And let go means more than just breaking things off. Letting go actually involves doing nothing...yes, I mean nothing to get even or teach lessons to people who never put the same type of energy into well...you. You're pissed off, believe me I get that, but to focus energy on someone who won't return the favor is and will always be a waste of your time. Do yourself a favor, and let go of more than the title. Let go of the control they have over you as well.
Exhibit B: Reminding Your Ex You're A Big Deal Actually Makes You Look Small
Okay, so we all know that we can simply de-friend and unfollow our exes, but we don't because we need them to see that we're still kind of a big deal despite the fact they played our asses.
So we'll use our sexiest profile picture and avi possible just to make sure we clarify that particular message.
And of course we can't stop there. Rather it's a sudden increase of hanging out with our girlfriends we dissed when we were happy with that douche bag or a host of random and impulsive "road trips"; we have to upload pictures and update statuses on every move we make post break up.
Newflash: If he didn't care about what you did while he was with you...he damn sure doesn't care now. Be the big deal and big girl you say you are and stop worrying about proving a point to someone who has no interest in you.
Exhibit C: Publicizing Your New Bootycalls So He'll Know You're Moving On Is...Desperate
So you meet a sweet thang at the club last night, and made the decision to let him sleep over on your FIRST NIGHT of meeting him. Now you may feel like you got your swag back, but should you really get excited that you let some random dude at the club hit it with no plans of committing to you?
Now someone will take this as haterism from some old, pruned up conservative chick; but the truth of the matter is booty calls can't erase the emotional stress of a failed relationship. As we get closer to our thirties and forties, you can't really believe letting random dudes tap it is the best way to something real...eventually.
It rarely works out that way.
The grown woman way to healing is to face the pain and move forward...not become some random dude's jumpoff and brag about it on Facebook and Twitter.
Besides, nothing feels better to your ex than you proving that you really weren't that valuable...hell even random club dudes are hitting it. I'm just saying.
Let's wrap it up like magnums:
The best type of revenge is...commitment. Yes, nothing makes an ex boyfriend more salty than some dude coming along and doing the one thing he couldn't do: commit to you! When our exes see us getting discarded like they discarded us, they feel validated in treating us like trash. But when you keep your standards high and require something real...you'll get just that, and it's the best way to get even with someone who just didn't have your best interests in mind.
So before you start Facebook stuntin' and Twitter shinin'...make better use of your time and actually move the hell on. Ain't nobody, and I mean nobody worth playing yourself.
Got it?
Sex And The City is one of the best shows that ever hit cable television, but what was meant for entertainment, is now creating a population of relationship challenged women.
By: Amanda Anderson
Sex And The City was more than a cable show, it broke barriers in the world of television. For the first time in television history, four white women were single...and promiscuous with an addiction to designer labels. They were in their 30s, man-less, childless...with their close friendships as their only means of sanity in an over populated New York City. Instantly, women of all races and backgrounds fell in love with Carrie Bradshaw, Samantha Jones, Miranda Hobbes, and Charlotte York.
Sure, it was hilarious and oh so addictive to watch these four ladies struggle through bad dates and horrible one night stands to find their one true love (everybody except Samantha at least), while simultaneously attempting to silence the loud and continuous ticking of their biological clocks. With their successful careers in tow, you would think their corporate intelligence would somehow trickle down into their relationship pursuits. But for six seasons, it's clear that these women weren't so savvy when it came to men, and in most cases, just down right naive about relationships.
Regardless, it's as if every woman wants to imitate that life. Yes, we have grown a-s women becoming real life Carries, Samanthas, Mirandas, and Charlottes. When I opted for a girl's weekend this past week, I witnessed grown a-s women discussing their "Bigs." And for the life of me, I can't understand why any woman wants a Big. Big put Carrie through a lot of emotional torture and mind games, yet, right in front of me, I had grown ass women discussing how much they loved their "Bigs"...the same men who couldn't commit to them after 2 years of screwing them.
As much as I love the show, I actually look at the four characters as four women I certainly didn't want to become. I certainly didn't want to make the same mistakes they made in their relationships and sex lives; and I'm pretty sure if I made any of the decisions these four characters made by the end of the final season, I wouldn't have lived happily ever after or happily until the first film installment.
Here's why you don't want to be a Carrie Bradshaw, Samantha Jones, Miranda Hobbes, or Charlotte York.
1. Charlotte York, The Relationship Chameleon
Charlotte York believed in fairy tales although she was pushing 40 years old. Yes, she believed in a knight in shinning armor, and pursued just about every man she dated as if he was her last and only shot at happily ever after. This might have been charming and adorable for a television character, but in real life, it's just desperate. It's also the quickest way to ending up...well single and pushing your 40s. No shade to the single life, but for those that don't want to be single, it's probably best not to treat every man like a potential if he doesn't have the potential.
Although Charlotte was loved for her predictable naivete, her biggest mistake was changing who she was completely just to have a man. Sure Harry was a nice guy, treats her pretty damn good, and has a knack for romance; but why should a woman have to change who she is completely just to have a man? Harry didn't do much changing, but Charlotte changed everything from her religion to her standards.
She compromised, and Harry never had to.
She compromised, and Harry never had to.
This might have worked for Charlotte, but for a single black woman, you'll end up miserable and spiritually nonexistent.
Lesson: Know yourself before you fall in love, so you won't fall. We're better off finding someone who can love us for who we already are (of course we should should strive to become better), than finding someone who requires us to change completely.
2. Miranda Hobbes, The "Realist"
Miranda was a hard knock attorney who graduated from Harvard, and she took her tough courtroom exterior into every single one of her relationships and encounters with men. While it seems logical to expect men to be men, if your definition of men is in more alignment with dogs than human beings with penises, you'll push every man away even if deep down inside you do want love.
And for the majority of the series, Miranda pushed away more men than she attracted. Of course in the make believe world of HBO, she ended up with a man she couldn't push away. But in the real relationship jungle located in the real world, there just aren't many Steves.
Even nice guys have a limit.
Lesson: Sure, you should be smart about relationships and use your common sense when dealing with men. But never mistake common sense for bitterness.
3. Samantha Jones, The Old Promiscuous Chick
Throughout the series, adorers of the show were expected to believe that a 40+ single, and slutty white chick was fabulous.
Samantha may have always looked fabulous, but truly fabulous she was not.
What she may have called power, I called weakness. She may have been a corporate queen, finding much success in the Public Relations industry; but she never really managed to be anything more than a bootycall and "for rent" coochie to just about any douche bag with money in New York.
Harsh? More like truth, but Samantha Jones is the perfect representation of many women who have mistaken promiscuity for power or independence. No matter how much we feel we are in control of our sexuality, the consequences of sleeping around will always outweigh the advantages. Besides, power and independence is knowing that you don't have to spread your legs so easily for a little attention.
And Samantha needed attention, even if that required her to be a 45/50 year old bootycall.
Samantha fell in love a couple times in the series, but managed to end it with the one man who loved her despite her imperfections. She left him when it stopped being about...Samantha. His career took off, and she took off on a plane to be promiscuous and 50 by the end of the first film.
I imagine that it might hit Samantha in her 60s (since it hasn't hit her in her 50s), that when your libido weakens (and it will), it's best to have someone who actually wants to have a conversation with you that goes further than what man parts you can fit in your mouth.
Lesson: You don't have to be promiscuous to feel empowered.
4. Carrie Bradshaw, The Relationship Drama Queen
Carrie Bradshaw is the Sex And The City character that every woman wants to be...maybe it's because she has a sick designer shoe game, or just maybe it's because she managed to do what most women simply couldn't; wait around long enough for some wealthy douchebag to see the "light" and put a ring on your 40+ year old finger...after a damn near decade of playing you like some high end, designer addicted bootycall.
Of course, Carrie's fashion choices were pretty much always fabulous and yes we all want her impeccable wardrobe. But take a closer look at her love life, and it's clear that most of Carrie's choices were irresponsible, immature, superficial, and just ridiculous for a woman her age.
For instance, Carrie hated good guys. It's understandable why a young girl would pass over the good guys in her young, naive college girl days; but it's just absurd to see a 30/40 year old woman do it like she didn't learn the lesson in her 20s like the rest of us.
Aidan was the definition of a good man, but because Carrie deep down inside prefers the drama and the romanticization of a dysfunctional relationship; she found numerous ways to ruin the only decent relationship she could have had.
As great as Aidan treated her, she still found time to screw Big, the wealthy and married douchebag, on the side like monogamy only applies to her when she was in a relationship with Big.
Am I the only one who sees a problem with putting your life on hold for someone who has a pretty much solid history of letting you down? And isn't it really just dumb as hell to mistake drama for...love?
Why is it that so many of us believe that the one relationship we suffered in the most is the truest example of love, but the person who refuses to hurt us is too...nice?
This is my single biggest issue with Carrie. Her twisted misconception of love is adored, misunderstood, and even mistaken for the relationship gospel by many women, hoping to also find their Bigs.
Regardless, she ended up marrying Big, and now there are many grown a-s women who too feel that investing years with a douchebag will somehow churn out a fairy tale wedding, a dream closet, and a wealthy husband.
In reality, investing years into someone or a relationship that takes more from you than it gives...rarely pays off outside of television. No, we shouldn't want Bigs, but instead men we don't have to chase and suffer for while we wait for them to "realize" that we are special, when there's an Aidan who sees you're special without years worth of the chase.
Lesson: The Big Chase isn't necessarily the Big Love.
Again, I love this show, and I do understand why so many women can relate to the characters and the situations they place themselves in. But when it comes to love and relationships. these characters aren't worthy of the admiration or the emulation.
Even designer labels can't change that.
Even nice guys have a limit.
Lesson: Sure, you should be smart about relationships and use your common sense when dealing with men. But never mistake common sense for bitterness.
3. Samantha Jones, The Old Promiscuous Chick
Throughout the series, adorers of the show were expected to believe that a 40+ single, and slutty white chick was fabulous.
Samantha may have always looked fabulous, but truly fabulous she was not.
What she may have called power, I called weakness. She may have been a corporate queen, finding much success in the Public Relations industry; but she never really managed to be anything more than a bootycall and "for rent" coochie to just about any douche bag with money in New York.
Harsh? More like truth, but Samantha Jones is the perfect representation of many women who have mistaken promiscuity for power or independence. No matter how much we feel we are in control of our sexuality, the consequences of sleeping around will always outweigh the advantages. Besides, power and independence is knowing that you don't have to spread your legs so easily for a little attention.
And Samantha needed attention, even if that required her to be a 45/50 year old bootycall.
Samantha fell in love a couple times in the series, but managed to end it with the one man who loved her despite her imperfections. She left him when it stopped being about...Samantha. His career took off, and she took off on a plane to be promiscuous and 50 by the end of the first film.
I imagine that it might hit Samantha in her 60s (since it hasn't hit her in her 50s), that when your libido weakens (and it will), it's best to have someone who actually wants to have a conversation with you that goes further than what man parts you can fit in your mouth.
Lesson: You don't have to be promiscuous to feel empowered.
4. Carrie Bradshaw, The Relationship Drama Queen
Carrie Bradshaw is the Sex And The City character that every woman wants to be...maybe it's because she has a sick designer shoe game, or just maybe it's because she managed to do what most women simply couldn't; wait around long enough for some wealthy douchebag to see the "light" and put a ring on your 40+ year old finger...after a damn near decade of playing you like some high end, designer addicted bootycall.
Of course, Carrie's fashion choices were pretty much always fabulous and yes we all want her impeccable wardrobe. But take a closer look at her love life, and it's clear that most of Carrie's choices were irresponsible, immature, superficial, and just ridiculous for a woman her age.
For instance, Carrie hated good guys. It's understandable why a young girl would pass over the good guys in her young, naive college girl days; but it's just absurd to see a 30/40 year old woman do it like she didn't learn the lesson in her 20s like the rest of us.
Aidan was the definition of a good man, but because Carrie deep down inside prefers the drama and the romanticization of a dysfunctional relationship; she found numerous ways to ruin the only decent relationship she could have had.
As great as Aidan treated her, she still found time to screw Big, the wealthy and married douchebag, on the side like monogamy only applies to her when she was in a relationship with Big.
Am I the only one who sees a problem with putting your life on hold for someone who has a pretty much solid history of letting you down? And isn't it really just dumb as hell to mistake drama for...love?
Why is it that so many of us believe that the one relationship we suffered in the most is the truest example of love, but the person who refuses to hurt us is too...nice?
This is my single biggest issue with Carrie. Her twisted misconception of love is adored, misunderstood, and even mistaken for the relationship gospel by many women, hoping to also find their Bigs.
Regardless, she ended up marrying Big, and now there are many grown a-s women who too feel that investing years with a douchebag will somehow churn out a fairy tale wedding, a dream closet, and a wealthy husband.
In reality, investing years into someone or a relationship that takes more from you than it gives...rarely pays off outside of television. No, we shouldn't want Bigs, but instead men we don't have to chase and suffer for while we wait for them to "realize" that we are special, when there's an Aidan who sees you're special without years worth of the chase.
Lesson: The Big Chase isn't necessarily the Big Love.
Again, I love this show, and I do understand why so many women can relate to the characters and the situations they place themselves in. But when it comes to love and relationships. these characters aren't worthy of the admiration or the emulation.
Even designer labels can't change that.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.1
If he hollered at you, most likely he'll holler at someone else while he's with you.
By: Amanda Anderson
Regardless of what you've heard, yes, there are many types of men. While most women would ideally like to continue to pretend that the pivotal signs of jacked up morale in a potential aren't necessarily there; the truth of the matter is, most douche bags are obvious even on the very first encounter. Women don't always have to wait to discover the true side of a man, they can simply measure his character by the first approach.
Now many of you will say you are already quite aware of the importance of a man's first approach, but by the looks of the majority of relationship failures, I'm not quite sure we do. There will always be the men who play gentleman prematurely for panty dropping purposes, but yet, most of us continue to ignore the early signs of a ratchet relationship before it even begins.
Regardless of how charming and coy he might have been...a big mouthed man will not only holler at you, but anything else with a vagina. And being in a relationship won't hold him back, nor contain his immaturity.
Let's talk about just what exactly constitutes as "hollering."
Hollering is when a man approaches you with some kind of wack line, comedic/romantic gesture...usually with an air of arrogance, like he's done it many times before. Women will say they never fall for these types of guys, but they do so most of their dating lives.
And we'll usually entertain the bullsh-t if this man is attractive, and simply label the wack lines and/or approach as cute and charming.
What we don't factor in is how easy it is to holler. All a man simply has to do is get your attention in some public area, say a few lines, compliment you a few times...and then he gets your telephone number.
And just like that...you begin to entertain the jackass that only put in the minimum to get your attention. And not only did he get your attention in a matter of minutes, but he'll be sexing you by the second or third date tops.
If it was that easy to get your attention, can we be surprised that they turn around and duplicate the same method each time with multiple women, while being in a "committed" relationship?
Now you might take offense, and even ask me how should you be approached, if hollering at you is deemed a waste of time. Here's my philosophy:
The man that builds puts in the time, so he won't waste YOUR time. But the man that hollers, uses less of his own time, but will always waste yours. Simply put, if a man is truly interested in you, he'll approach you seriously--and you'll know if he's worth it because he will then spend most of his energy getting to know you.
This past weekend, I grabbed some Italian cuisine with my sister. We chose the spot because it was low key, but before we could even begin eating our food, 2 big mouthed men came by and began to serenade two uninterested women.
This "serenade" ended with a host of wack lines and 5 minutes too long of pointless conversation. Clearly our minds are on other men who didn't serenade us or approach us with lines to get our attention, but instead, took the time to get to know us on a more mature level. But for many women who weren't preoccupied and happy, the serenade would have worked. And honestly, it should never work, rather you're single or committed.
No matter how attractive a man is, educated he may be, or interesting he may seem; if a man hollers at you, he will most certainly holler at someone else while he's with you. And it's simply because men value the things and women they have to work for...and hollering and sexing these same big mouthed dudes before they commit to you just isn't smart.
The man that builds with you most likely won't be trying to build with someone else at the same time. And that's because it just takes too much work to establish a foundation, but it only takes minutes to holler at someone. If you've been dealing with a man for three to five dates and know little about him, he ain't building with you. He hollered, and only plans to keep you around until something new comes along.
If a man can't genuinely approach you with some respect, invoke intelligent conversation, and a show a genuine interest in you without relying on lines and weak a-- game; you'd be better off without him. Patience is a virtue, but for the life of me, I can't understand why women just can't be happy by their damn selves until they meet a man who is serious about them and maintaining a relationship. And nine times out of ten, that kind of man won't approach you with some foolishness.
It's time to leave the men alone who talk more than they commit...
The lie that has brainwashed black women into desperation, self hate, and relationship ignorance has been exposed. 70 percent of black women are NOT single.
By: Amanda Anderson
How many times have we black women been told that most of us will never be married? How many times have we been told that a whopping 70 percent of us don't even have a man? How many times have our trusted magazines created and operated solely by black women told us to run to the white man like he's some knight in shining armor because all hope of marrying a black man is slim to none? We've even been subjected to relationship books penned by comedians and divorcees like they've somehow created the relationship gospel all because most of us bought into the lie that 70, yes 70 percent of us are single.
We can barely even surf the internet without someone reminding us that 70 percent of us aren't "marriage material." Even our own brothers have fled to Youtube in numerous lost negro themed videos to tell us why they believe over half of black women aren't married. In these ridiculous self hate filled videos, they come up with a list of "reasons" we're single supported only by media encouraged stereotypes of the black woman, all while never taking the time to even research if the very statistic is even true.
Even Oprah, a world renown journalist and talk show mogul, threw out the false statistic to millions of viewers, further demising the fate and overall mentality of one of the most ganged on, disrespected, and misunderstood race of women.
I too believed the myth, until I began to notice that most of the educated, job having, business handling sisters around me were getting married...leaving only a small number to survive in the relationship jungle we all hate due to a series of bad dates and selfish lovers.
So I did what any smart woman would do...I went straight to the source, and dug around in a series of reports and surveys conducted by the Census Bureau to confirm what I was coming to believe...somebody is lying, and this person has an agenda that is not only affecting the mentality of black women, but black men as well.
So just how many black women are single?
Well according to the Census Bureau, in 2009, 44.5 percent of black women are single and have never been married.
What's even more interesting is the number of black men who are single and have never been married...47.8 percent.
Would you look at that, it appears as if more BLACK MEN ARE SINGLE THAN BLACK WOMEN.
But moving on...
How the hell did we get 70 percent from 44.5 percent?
Now some will say well 70 percent of professional black women are single, yet, black women hold higher employment rates than BLACK MEN. In fact, we also attend college and graduate from high school, as well as embark on careers at higher rates than black men. So if most of us have jobs, how can a whopping 70 percent of professional black women be single? There is also NO PROOF of this ridiculous statistic variation either. Again, the numbers being thrown in our faces at the courtesy of the media and misinformed self hating black people just isn't adding up.
So if it's all a lie, the next question would be why?
Now I can only offer my opinions on why I think black women are being reminded in every direction that we will never get married, but here are my main assumptions.
1.The 70 percent lie furthers progresses the agenda of making black women feel inferior, and completely undesirable by all races of men.
We've been told by so many that we're not attractive, not submissive enough, too damn independent, and only good for sexual exploitation. But the reality is, we're not that much different from any other race of women. Women as a whole are working and holding jobs more than our grandmothers and great grandmothers ever did, and it's certainly not going to change any time soon. If women (not just black women) weren't so dedicated to our careers, why is the equal income debate still very much the focal point of politics?
Regardless, clearly we're not too career oriented or independent to get married, since most of us ARE married.
2. Some black men rely on the myth as leverage to further remain in control of black relationships. By throwing the fake statistic in our faces often, they continue to have the upper hand in dating, further encouraging women to lower and completely abandon their standards.
When we believed 70 percent of us were single, we started to questions if having standards was the cause. There's not a black man alive who didn't benefit from this. Women have become too easy, desperate, and downright embarrassing all because everyone wants to be the exception to the 70 percent. Don't worry, you can have class and be choosy...Now that you know that only 44.5 percent of us are single...I encourage you to have the courage to stop settling.
3. The fake statistic has and continues to be the biggest factor in suggesting interracial dating.
Not that I'm against it, but you'd be lying if you said you didn't start considering white men more seriously for dating after Essence and company told you your a-- would most likely die single waiting on a "good black man."
Regardless of what you read, you'd be a fool to believe that a good man is determined by race and that a bad man is limited to one particular race.
4. To make you resent, and totally hate being a black woman.
I'm pretty sure we'd love ourselves more if we felt more wanted. Hard to even feel wanted and desired when everyone is believing in the same lie. However, it takes a courageous woman, no matter the race, to love herself even if no one else around her does.
The reality is, once we get back to loving ourselves, even a statistic can't determine our own happiness. I'm finally there, and I hope you get there soon.
Now this isn't meant to be carelessly mistaken for some "black men ain't sh-t" article. Instead, I'm just trying to expose a lie that has really gotten in the way of healthy black relationships. The truth is it ain't the truth. No matter how anyone tries to flip it, 70 percent of black women are NOT single. Most of us are married...and married to BLACK MEN. (Gasp!)
You want a good man, rather he's black, asian, caucasian, yellow, or green? Well, have some courage and demand to be treated with the upmost respect and reverence. The secret to having a good man is to demand one...taking what you can get doesn't tend to work out for anyone once it's all been said and done. So standards are a good thing when the woman demanding them is good enough to determine the necessities from the add ons.
Sure, it's all one big nasty, community destroying, self hate baiting lie...and it's brought out the worst in black men and even some of our marriage needing sisters. But the reality is, just why have we even allowed something so easy to get wrong, like a statistic, determine how we feel about ourselves? The number may not be true, but self hate never lies.
Source
R&B starlets have romanticized wanting a man that no longer wants you, but don't get it twisted, it's still pretty desperate.
By: Amanda Anderson
R&B music used to be about love back in the day, but these days, the bulk of it is about sexing folks we don't love, loving people who never loved us nor treated us very good, as well as wanting men who clearly don't want us.
There's a certain power and influence that music has in which it has a way of shaping our thoughts with its prevailing messages regarding relationships, men, sex, and even street violence.
As a culture, we'll continue to blame rap music for the problem with black men's addiction to the thug lifestyle and frivolous money management...but perhaps we ought to pay attention to the dangerous themes R&B music continues to promote by romanticizing desperate behavior and shaky relationship antics.
Ladies, it's never smart to waste your time wanting someone who has made it clear that he doesn't want you. It doesn't matter if Melanie Fiona, Jennifer Hudson or Jazmine Sullivan is providing the vocals...the message is still pretty much the same. You're empty because some man who never really wanted you left...that's not love, it's dependency, and a slight case of desperation.
Take the great lyrics away and even remove the melody...and we've got some beautiful sisters, who've manage to allow a man to put a spotlight on their insecurities.
Sure, the song was backed up by some strong vocals...but why the hell are we needing men who don't even WANT us?
Now I'm not writing this as the woman who was too good to get her heart broken, because trust me when I say I know the pain that an individual can cause after telling you he loves you, but never providing any actions to back up that claim. But in my mid 20s, I'm finally beginning to understand how empty words can become when they simply are not backed up by actions. Love is just a word to many people, and since it is, I've come to understand why many of us are confused ourselves about if we were ever loved in the first place.
I can tell you when someone willingly walks out of your life, they never loved you. And since they didn't, maybe it's no need to want them back.
I mean seriously, what's there to gain by having someone in your life who doesn't even love you?
Perhaps writing ballads and albums about men who didn't even find us worthy enough to love is pretty damn pointless. In fact, it's just as pointless as holding on to broken relationships and people who treat us like nobodies.
In fact, you were such a nobody to this man, that he packed up his stuff and left you like a nobody.
Love, real love, teaches us that when things get hard, we're supposed to go harder. Love encourages support, and even the fight in us...yet, he's managed to walk away from you as if it all meant nothing.
And these are the types of men you want back in your life? Logically, it's the dumbest thing a woman can ever do, yet, most of us will make a habit out of it in our personal lives.
When a relationship ends, you just have to let go. There's no need in reviving anything or anybody that thought so low of you to leave you. These men are not gods, so the worship and dependency for them just cannot be justified, not even by someone's faulty misconception of love.
Now that I do have a relationship with God, I cringe every time a woman believes she needs a man to survive. You don't need a man, you need a God. And I'm pretty sure He would never walk out on you, but instead; we'll continue to give some man who never loved us our time, tears, and energy...and he's not even worthy of any of it.
Every time I hear these beautifully written ballads about women wanting troubled men to come back into our lives after treating us badly and then leaving us, it's just a reminder of how twisted our understanding of love and happiness really is. Do these women not understand that the man for them won't walk out of their lives or treat them like jump offs instead of the love of their lives? Or is that just too hard to believe?
Either way, love yourself enough to have enough courage to let someone go, in faith that someone better will come into your life. It will take time to heal, and that's just the dynamics of life. But in the meantime, don't mistake desperation and self insecurities as love, because love doesn't encourage either.
God bless.
Do you ever truly benefit from being a good woman and when will it happen?
By: Taren Vaughan
By: Taren Vaughan
When, Where or Will it ever happen period? These are the three questions that many women out here searching for love have. And ironically, these thoughts are coming from the minds of those who have a lot going on for themselves, not only career wise but morally as well. The women who stay loyal to the ones that could care less about returning the favor and who go out of their way time after time to mend their broken relationships with men who couldn’t give a one good damn about saving anything.
Puzzling how these are the sisters that get left hanging all time isn’t it?
As crazy as it seems that things go down like this a whole lot more often than they should, it is even more mind-boggling to the women who actually have to deal with the nonsense. How is it that a woman who truly embodies all of these great qualities gets overlooked for the female who brings absolutely nothing at all valuable to the table?
As this horrible pattern continues on, over and over again we will see a woman put her best foot forward in her relationships, doing all of the so-called “right things” and yet they still seem to crumble right before her eyes. Will that ever come to an end for her? Will she ever truly get her payback for being the good woman that she is?
Good woman meets good man and they live happily ever after should be the storyline that we should see unfolding for a person like this. But the reality of it is that the most fabulous females are treated horribly before they start to see their efforts pay off. And mind you, when I speak of a fabulous female, I am not talking about the one stuntin’ and showing off in her favorite pair of stilettos on a night out with her girls. I’m talking about the woman that carries herself like a lady and with an extreme amount of class to go along with it.
Looking at this type of women, with some of them being your close home girls, relatives or even your own self, you start to ask, “When exactly will they finally get to experience the good side of things and truly reap what they sow when it comes to relationships?”
Now of course you know that all the good girls of the world have to go through that infamous string of jackasses before they end up finding anybody worth keeping around for more than a month or two. That trend there is reserved for all females, the good and the not so good ones. We can’t jump straight into the arms of that one amazing guy overnight, although we wish that it worked that way.
Exceptional women and good men alike go through some of the very same BS repeatedly, leaving them often wondering if their efforts are going in vain. The faith that they once had in settling down in a good, healthy partnership begins to slowly fade. To their surprise though, somewhere out there is a person that will recognize, better yet, appreciate, all of the things that they do. All of the random gift giving for no reason, the way that they are always there for people at the drop of a dime and the compassion that they show towards people will stop going unnoticed.
So to that good girl whose heart never gets a breather from being broken even though she does everything in her power to soothe and comfort those of the men in her life, her day is right around the corner. And if she is you, when the one who you are truly supposed to be with comes around, trust me, you will forget about all the other losers that made their way into your life.
Your big payback…it’s on its way. Just make sure that you are ready to receive it.
Too many women abandon their standards out of fear of being manless...is being a coward beneficial if you only end up with the wrong type of "men?"
By: Amanda Anderson
By the time a woman reaches her mid 20s, it becomes even clearer that there are some pretty nasty double standards when it comes to sex and even climbing the corporate ladder. But it isn't until we're single that we see the biggest double standard of all, and that's how each gender is viewed when they're single. There's a huge difference that not only changes the way women see ourselves, but it's causing us to forfeit standards all together...all in the name of appealing more to men who get praised for the thing we get trashed on...being single.
Yes, single women are treated like more of a social stigma and some form of environmental taboo, versus women in waiting for their perfect match. Meanwhile, men are praised for their bachelor ways, and patted on the back for putting off commitment for as long as they possibly can.
Single men are players, pimps, and bachelors...but single women are b-tches, hoes, and desperate bridesmaids.
When I didn't have a man, it's as if society labeled me as one of the lowest forms of women on the planet. And before you write it off as men being the dogs we've always thought to be, you'd be surprised to know that I suffered more criticism for being single from...OTHER WOMEN. As a writer, I can't even tell you the number of women who told me I had nothing to say about men and relationships until I myself had a man.
This mentality is only the result of the continuous brainwashing we've been subjected to as a gender. We've been told so many times that a woman's worth is determined by her marital status, that somewhere down the line, most of us started to believe it.
The funny thing about all of this is that the majority of us were so ready to take the relationship advice of a comedian turned adulterer divorcee, before we listened to the sister who already learned that very lesson he spoke of. Oh yes, when a single sister has something to say about relationships, we'll give her the side eye and question her credentials. But when a divorcee with a penis and an adulterous past gives advice, we listen. And that's simply because even we view singlehood as a curse, instead a crucial part necessary for happiness, and even wisdom.
Now simply because life itself is a series of cause and effect, our brainwashing eventually trickled down into our dating behavior.
Since nobody wants to be that "pathetic single woman," we're cutting down our standards. In fact, most women will abandon them all together just to have another body in their beds.
But no one ever considers just how dangerous it is to be the woman with no standards. Sure, when we no longer have restrictions, men will surely come a dime a dozen. But a bed filler doesn't always a husband make.
Why have we become such cowards?
Many of us are afraid to have standards, yet you won't catch a man without any for his prospective partners.
A man will tell you about his body requirements, sexual skill requests, and even the background he prefers his woman to originate from.
But we'll make the sacrifice to date the man with a host of known issues just because anything's better than being single.
What the hell gives?
Let's make one thing clear. Half of the country will end up divorced, heart broken, bitter, and angry because their marriage didn't work out the way they imagined it. They'll marry again, and most likely, end up with another failed marriage. And this is because half of the country married bed fillers instead of compatible partners.
For this reason alone, you should have NO SHAME in taking your sweet time to find the right person. Sure, you'll be labeled as a pathetic manless b-tch, but those standards aren't always as pointless as society has made them out to be. When we mature and learn ourselves, our standards begin to truly reflect what we really need from potential partners.
When I was 18, my standards reflected ridiculous things like the type of college degree my man would have to have...but in my 20s, my first requirement was good character and a relationship with God. So it's not that standards are hurting us and are bad to have ladies, it's just that we have to develop them as we mature.
There's no need to be a coward and abandon your standards just to have a man...because trust me when I say, having the right man matters more, a lot more.
Put on your big girl panties and have some damn standards, you'll save yourself the misery in the end.
Society says men can't help but stray, but men say love breeds a whole new kind of self control.
By: Amanda Anderson
How many times have women been told that a man will be a man? A dog will be a dog, and a penis warrants a life of bed hopping and heart breaking?
We've heard it so many times that when a jackass like Tyrese says a man is expected to cheat, it's older news than Kim Kardashian's hideous addiction to plastic surgery and public acceptance. Of course men are expected to cheat...and women are expected to settle. This shift in relationship medocrity makes love even harder to obtain for a woman, as it is clear that many of us believe men to be merely sexually driven animals unable to control sexual urges that lead men to more sex partners than they can even keep count of.
Women despise infidelity, but somehow we still manage to expect it in our relationships. We'll even stay with the man who can't keep his penis in his pants all because some idiot told us whoring is part of manliness...and we believed it.
Well at least most of us. I can't say I've ever been the kind of woman that buys into the whole "men will be sluts" theory. I guess it's because I myself have had to be a big girl and get in control of my own sexual urges, so naturally, a vagina isn't going to keep me from requiring a man to be just as strong as I had to be.
If I managed to get through life and relationships without being a complete slut, I expect my man to as well. Part of being grown is being grown up...and that requires self control regardless of the gender.
So forgive me for realizing early on the stark differences between boys and men...clearly males like Tyrese are the former. For how can anyone who can't be the master of his own genetalia be considered a man?
If I managed to get through life and relationships without being a complete slut, I expect my man to as well. Part of being grown is being grown up...and that requires self control regardless of the gender.
So forgive me for realizing early on the stark differences between boys and men...clearly males like Tyrese are the former. For how can anyone who can't be the master of his own genetalia be considered a man?
No man wants to marry a slut, but a woman should expect her man to be a slut. Double standards much?
Besides my success in keeping my sexual urges in check, I've also discovered that men do what they want to damn well do. That involves being faithful, being scandalous, and even being responsible. Never have they been incapable of being in control of any of their body parts, but they just decided to ride the wave of bullsh-t that women have been accepting for years. There isn't a man alive who doesn't love the woman who believes men to be animalistic bastards, as she's the easiest.
Regardless, just what is it that makes a man want to control the little head and do right to his do right woman?
According to these men, nothing but love.
Not good sex, a good head game...but L-O-V-E.
Peep it:
"I can't say I've always been the best dude. When I was a little younger, I ran through women and I couldn't stay faithful in my relationships. Back then, if a woman would have done those things to me, there's no way I would have put up with it. But back then, they did and I began to think staying with a cheating man was in a woman's DNA. One day I met a woman who made it clear that I could lose her...and I haven't really looked at another woman since. Love will do that to a man, but I can't say I was really old enough for that kind of thing back then."- Lawrence D.
"We win big when women believe that men are dogs and unable to commit. That means we don't have to do much. We love these kinds of women...they don't require our best and we happily oblige in showing them just how doggish we can be. Thank you ladies." - Paul W.
"I wouldn't say men cheat because we can't help it. That's bullsh-t we crafted so we could position ourselves to be complete a--holes and have society accept it and even expect it. Look, when we really love a woman and we want to be faithful to her, we simply won't put ourselves in situations that would get us in trouble and have us stepping outside the relationship. It's not as hard as people are making it out to be. I have a daughter and I will teach her to understand that a man can be as faithful or reckless as he chooses to be. But the man that says he loves her and means it, won't be the man still putting himself in situations that no man wanting to be faithful will willingly place himself in. It's just as simple as that." - Anthony T
"If I love you, I'm going to take my a-- home."- Jeffrey S.
"Yeah, a man can absolutely be faithful, but we just have to want to. It all comes down to a man's mindset. If he's still in boy mode, he's going to primarily be about getting as much a-s as possible. So being in the streets is his number one priority. He may get in a relationship, but it doesn't mean anything to him. But if he's in man mode, he's going to give his woman his best, and that's hard to do when you're still getting it in with other chicks." Michael G.
"Some women are confused and they believe that if a woman has good sex or gives great head, that those talents somehow will make a man be faithful. I can't even tell you how many times I've cheated on these kinds of women." - Blake Q.
"If a woman ever wonders if a man truly loves her, all she has to do is check the number of women he's been sleeping with while he's been with her. If it's 0, he means it." -Matthew H.
Straight from the mouths of men...
Neither does a college degree, amazing career, or the ability to provide for yourself.
By: Amanda Anderson
Every woman wants a good man...even if we don't pick them as often as we should, we'll waste most of our adult lives trying to turn the bad ones into good ones. Perhaps we have the whole thing a tad bit backwards, falling in love with projects instead of real men who require no construction or instruction guide. Regardless of how long it takes us to recognize them when we see them, it's clear that many of us are somewhat delusional on just how reaping and sowing truly works. You see there's a great big portion of women who feel entitled to a good man. They feel that having a vagina and the ability to provide for themselves is somehow the only requirements to good lovin'.
It's irrational for anyone to think being deserving of a good man is based solely on one's God given genitalia or success in depending on one's self in a society that is naturally breeding independence in women. However, this attitude continues to plague our communities as more and more sisters nab degrees and successful careers.
And if love is supposed to be unconditional, just why are we basing our entitlement to a good man based on so many meaningless conditions?
We can't escape this subject...just about every book, magazine, blog, and church service continues to nag single women about why they can't find a good man. While it could arguably be more complex than most want to admit, even comedians seem to feel obligated to tell those without men how to get a man. While decent advice may be out there, no one's asking us if we really deserve just what it is we seek.
Subconsciously, this enables a cycle of extreme entitlement...as we will work effortlessly to excel in education and professionally...yet we will neglect to work on the most important part of it all, our inner selves and our attitudes.
And I'm not being melodramatic, think about what you hear most of the successful, single women state in unison:
"I have a college education, a good paying job, and I am an independent woman. So why can't I find a good man?"
Nowhere in this statement is it clear on what she's going to bring to the relationship emotionally. However, we're reminded three times that she can bring something to the relationship financially.
The financial aspect of a relationship isn't enough to keep a relationship together. As we all are seeing first hand in the recession, people lose jobs, people lose money...but support, real support, is priceless and everlasting.
But we're not even mentioning it when we talk on why we deserve a good man.
The problem with this attitude is that it shows just how much we overvalue things of little value in love and relationships. In our naive days, we automatically assigned the good man labels to college educated brothers with steady employment. After a few bad dates with these very men, we learn hardly and quickly that just maybe a good man is a tad bit more than intelligence and business suits.
But even after we make that realization, we still forget to look at ourselves with that same newly acquired magnifying glass.
The truth is every woman does not deserve a good man. Yeah, I said it and I mean every word of it.
If I could scream it from the rooftop, I would, but someone with a vagina would still feel entitled...and it would be without a cause if all she had to show for herself was a degree and good paying job.
The fact is there are some horrible college educated, good job having, home owning sisters out here. Emotionally, these women are certified predators, and they have no clue on how to cultivate healthy relationships or take care of home outside of fancy decorations and fabulous dinner parties.
They are the feminine version of the college educated duds who waste our time on a daily basis.
We've got to start being more realistic when it comes to who deserves what and just what should be rewarded. At the present time, we're feeling entitled to things that we haven't really earned outside of necessity. We had to get our careers on track and fend for ourselves. Marriage was never guaranteed to anybody. So why on earth are we now using survival to get what's optional?
I might be one of the only few women left who feels a woman should take care of herself. So when I hear a woman use her independence as a reason she should be blessed with a good man, I can't help but laugh a little at the naivete. Yeah I know there are a lot of gold diggin, borderline prostitution, basketball wifin' harlots out here...but that doesn't mean doing what you're supposed to (provide for yourself) should be awarded. Good men should be with good women, and every good woman should understand that a degree, a vagina, and a great career are just additional perks on a very seasoned resume that goes hand in hand with a woman who has even more to give than her success.
I'm not knocking the successful single woman, but she ought to have more to bring to the table than what's between her legs and what's in her bank account.
Good people are earned, not purchased. However, every whore comes with a price (see some of the behavior on Basketball Wives and the rest of the Gold Diggin' industry).
It's irrational for anyone to think being deserving of a good man is based solely on one's God given genitalia or success in depending on one's self in a society that is naturally breeding independence in women. However, this attitude continues to plague our communities as more and more sisters nab degrees and successful careers.
And if love is supposed to be unconditional, just why are we basing our entitlement to a good man based on so many meaningless conditions?
We can't escape this subject...just about every book, magazine, blog, and church service continues to nag single women about why they can't find a good man. While it could arguably be more complex than most want to admit, even comedians seem to feel obligated to tell those without men how to get a man. While decent advice may be out there, no one's asking us if we really deserve just what it is we seek.
Subconsciously, this enables a cycle of extreme entitlement...as we will work effortlessly to excel in education and professionally...yet we will neglect to work on the most important part of it all, our inner selves and our attitudes.
And I'm not being melodramatic, think about what you hear most of the successful, single women state in unison:
"I have a college education, a good paying job, and I am an independent woman. So why can't I find a good man?"
Nowhere in this statement is it clear on what she's going to bring to the relationship emotionally. However, we're reminded three times that she can bring something to the relationship financially.
The financial aspect of a relationship isn't enough to keep a relationship together. As we all are seeing first hand in the recession, people lose jobs, people lose money...but support, real support, is priceless and everlasting.
But we're not even mentioning it when we talk on why we deserve a good man.
The problem with this attitude is that it shows just how much we overvalue things of little value in love and relationships. In our naive days, we automatically assigned the good man labels to college educated brothers with steady employment. After a few bad dates with these very men, we learn hardly and quickly that just maybe a good man is a tad bit more than intelligence and business suits.
But even after we make that realization, we still forget to look at ourselves with that same newly acquired magnifying glass.
The truth is every woman does not deserve a good man. Yeah, I said it and I mean every word of it.
If I could scream it from the rooftop, I would, but someone with a vagina would still feel entitled...and it would be without a cause if all she had to show for herself was a degree and good paying job.
The fact is there are some horrible college educated, good job having, home owning sisters out here. Emotionally, these women are certified predators, and they have no clue on how to cultivate healthy relationships or take care of home outside of fancy decorations and fabulous dinner parties.
They are the feminine version of the college educated duds who waste our time on a daily basis.
We've got to start being more realistic when it comes to who deserves what and just what should be rewarded. At the present time, we're feeling entitled to things that we haven't really earned outside of necessity. We had to get our careers on track and fend for ourselves. Marriage was never guaranteed to anybody. So why on earth are we now using survival to get what's optional?
I might be one of the only few women left who feels a woman should take care of herself. So when I hear a woman use her independence as a reason she should be blessed with a good man, I can't help but laugh a little at the naivete. Yeah I know there are a lot of gold diggin, borderline prostitution, basketball wifin' harlots out here...but that doesn't mean doing what you're supposed to (provide for yourself) should be awarded. Good men should be with good women, and every good woman should understand that a degree, a vagina, and a great career are just additional perks on a very seasoned resume that goes hand in hand with a woman who has even more to give than her success.
I'm not knocking the successful single woman, but she ought to have more to bring to the table than what's between her legs and what's in her bank account.
Good people are earned, not purchased. However, every whore comes with a price (see some of the behavior on Basketball Wives and the rest of the Gold Diggin' industry).
Have your past dating troubles led you to hold your guard up way too strong?
By: Taren Vaughan
By: Taren Vaughan
After years of dating, many of us have had the opportunity to come in contact with some rather “interesting” characters along the way; some of which we end up in serious relationships with for months, or even years at a time. Despite the dating woes that many of us have had, there are a number of women out there who are lucky enough to have the chance to be in those types of relationships. And for those who do manage to dodge the losers out there, find themselves in the best partnerships that they have ever experienced. But as those who find their matches, a lot times you have get into a handful of bad relationships before you get to the good stuff. Bad part about that is that they can be some of the worst ones ever, ones that you had no business being in the first place. And these horrible partnerships are a leading cause as to why certain women have a hard time letting their guards down and freely expressing their emotions and feelings like they once did before.
Why do we have a tendency to do that? Put up our guards and become overly protective of our hearts the way that we do?
Honestly, after all the crazy BS that some women go through with men that they are involved with, who can really blame them for putting their guards up? And when you are talking about a female who has repeatedly gotten her heart broken by not one, but a string of different men in her lifetime, it’s especially hard for her to re-develop that sense of trust that she once had before in men, if she ever does.
As we feel for the sister who is struggling with this at this very moment, what about the brother who is next in line to come her way? Thanks to the asshole that came before him, the task of getting to know her and coming close to her heart has become just that much harder to do. But what happens though when it gets to the point where every man that even acts like he is making his way in your direction is harshly rejected without being given a mere ounce of a chance? This is the point in time when holding up your guard can become a problem.
Having your guard up too strong will not only keep the bad men away. But it will push the good ones right out the door along with them.
I think we can all safely say without getting a verbal confirmation from our male counterparts, that men don’t like dealing with women who have excess baggage. Bag ladies are probably number one, or at least come in a close second when it comes to women on their lists to stand clear of when it comes to dating. Nor do they take kindly to the self proclaimed ice queens either. What man is going to waste his time going after a woman who openly admits she has no heart or feelings whatsoever? Men like to chase us now, but they don’t like to make themselves look like complete fools in the process.
As much as we hold on tight to our guards, they can be the very things that keep us from finding true love. And yes, true love does really exist. It’s not something that some random person made up. No, you shouldn't become naïve and think that no man can do wrong and is incapable of mistreating you. Everybody, man or woman, should protect their hearts to a certain extent. But becoming an ice queen and throwing the towel in on finding your soul mate will get you nowhere fast. And will probably have you living the single life for much longer than you would like to be.
So ease up on that choke hold that you have on your heart. And keep in mind that not every man that steps to you is on a mission to break it.
Niggas ain't sh-t...so stop dating niggas.
By: Amanda Anderson
In the midst of our dating frustrations, it's obvious that women will say and do many things in complete anger, and even an undeniable bout of bitterness. It's understandable to be emotional when love doesn't quite pan out the way we imagined it to, but all too often, women have stereotypically labeled a group of males that couldn't meet their expectations, without even once understanding that just maybe the bigger question is why we continue to date this type of male. Why haven't we questioned ourselves, asked the tough question that is the only true step to solving our dating woes--why is any grown woman dating n-ggas?
Serious question.
We as a people have tried unsuccessfully to change a negative label into a positive one. However, the sting of the original definition of a word meant to torture our ancestors hasn't softened or been eliminated completely. Hence, even in our current day society, black people themselves continue to attach negative stereotypes to the one word we fight so hard to change and even justify.
In our music, it's the n-ggas that we want to approach violently, our critics, our haters...rarely have they been our brothers. We're desiring real men, yet we're not dating them. Real men don't "hustle" on the street corners slanging illegal substances to support their families--they get jobs. Even amongst ourselves, the black people that we usually feel drag us back to 400 years have always been...n-ggas. So if it's safe to say that most of the males we've been dating aren't men, maybe its safe to say that we too share some blame in our dating dilemmas.
If we want success in our relationships, why are we dating n-ggas in the first place?
As always, it's the n-ggas that black women complain about...the ones who lie and break our hearts, don't take care of their children, and treat women like mere concubines. As ignorant to manhood as these n-ggas are, we've become sick of the cycle, yet we won't do anything to break it.
Through all of our disappointments, we continue to date the same type of males time after time. Why we put ourselves through the same cycle and expect different results--I'll never really understand, but it's clear we have to recognize the pattern before we can make things better.
We've been running Urban Belle for about a year now, and I get plenty of emails regarding the tone of our publication. While we do have plenty of support for our belief in responsibility from both genders, we also get criticism for many of the views that we publish week after week--from black women.
Apparently, they have an issue with our stance that black women aren't victims, but the captains of our own lives. As a result, we believe happiness is at our own discretion--and that's the discretion of who we allow in our lives. We believe that when a black woman isn't happy with the pattern of men she's been dating, that only she can change that. Yes, we go against the other publications that suggest that it's the men who choose the women. We have seen first hand that it is the woman who chooses the man, and the women who set the standards on which they themselves are treated. We don't preach to the choir because obviously it hasn't been effective in the community of black relationships.
Black women on average continue to choose the wrong mates, and as a result, we develop a distinct hate for black men, when it's black men that they haven't once dated. Subconsciously we must know this, hence the birth of the whole "n-ggas ain't sh-t" phrase.
Yes, deep down inside we know we weren't dating real men, so why all the anger towards black men? Can you hate something you don't really know?
I didn't think so.
Instead of running to your girlfriends and discussing how much you hate n-ggas, why won't you upgrade yourself to real men?
I am not in any way, shape, or form condoning a word that reeks in racial degradation (no matter who uses it), but there is a significant difference in the mentality of the black man who views himself as a man, and the black male who views himself as just another n-gga. The one who sees himself as a man respects responsibility, but the one who's proudly just another n-gga, despises it. The latter doesn't even respect women because he doesn't believe any exist...just b-tches and hoes.
You'll notice that hip hop has become their idol, their model of life...and their whole vocabulary testifies to just that. These males are a product of our failing hip hop (rap) culture, not prospective husbands and fathers. So can anyone really be surprised that they have no clue on how to treat women?
It's simple, only include men in your dating life. You won't be compatible to every man, but you can't have a healthy relationship with a black male who hasn't yet mastered manhood. While altered and exaggerated statistics paint a portrait of desperation for black women, there is absolutely no need to settle for someone who is still in awe of his penis, but still has no clue on what a man even is supposed to be.
Love, live, and enjoy every bit of it. But for goodness sake, please stop dating n-ggas and blaming the real men for the outcome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Popular Posts
-
MARILYN MONROE DANCING : Date: Dec 28, 2013, 9:08 PM Number of Comments on Photo:4 View Photo Original enclosures: ... -
Gisele Bundchen No 1 - The World´s Highest Paid Model - $45 million : Biilboard Hot 100 posted a photo: The World's Highest Paid Model...
-
Barbara Palvin for Elle Nobember 2013 Cover : Biilboard Hot 100 posted a photo: Barbara Palvin Barbara Palvin Barbara Palvin Cannes 2013.jp...
-
KYLIE JENNER – Neave Bozorgi Photoshoot : The post KYLIE JENNER – Neave Bozorgi Photoshoot appeared first on HawtCelebs . FASHION WEEK - U...
-
GWEN STEFANI Out and About in Los Angeles : The post GWEN STEFANI Out and About in Los Angeles appeared first on HawtCelebs . FASHION WEEK ...
-
Snoop Dogg Joins Raekwon on Tough New Song '1,2 1,2' : Raekwon's long-awaited sixth album, Fly International Luxurious Art , is ...
-
Eminem Joins 'Best Friend' Yelawolf on Rootsy New Song : As Eminem's protégée Yelawolf readies the release of his second studio ...
-
ANNA SOPHIA BRGLUND – 138 Water Photoshoot in Miami : The post ANNA SOPHIA BRGLUND – 138 Water Photoshoot in Miami appeared first on HawtCe...
-
Sara Evans Blasts Fox's 'Last Man on Earth': 'I Was Thoroughly Disgusted' : It's a good thing Will Forte's last ...
-
NINA AGDAL IN RED DRESS : Date: Dec 3, 2014, 5:48 PM Number of Comments on Photo:0 View Photo Original enclosures: ...