Soraya Mathias Blog

First impressions…how crucial they can be. One slip of the tongue, strand of hair out of place or a fail in wardrobe selection can make that first date your very last. Your appearance along with the things that come out of your mouth are your life lines. And knowing this, we try our hardest to be on point with every single thing, no matter how much it cost or how long it takes to do.

And when it comes to this, some of us as women can get a little out of control with it, transforming into a person that we ourselves have never even seen before; a character that is completely different from our normal selves.

Just that morning, you had shoulder length hair, a simple manicure and a light coat of make-up. Date time comes around and things change with the quickness. Hair is flowing down your back, nails are a couple inches longer now and make-up is caked on extra thick. Seeing you all dolled up this way, surely a man would be impressed and want to see you again and maybe even take it a step further. Much props to you for that but did you ever stop to think that he may be expecting the exact same replica of you on a regular basis?

So now you go from weavin’ it up for one night to having to keep it up on a consistent basis. Taking numerous trips to the nail salon is now apart of your agenda. And no more stepping outside of the house bare faced with a pair of jeans or sweats on. Dolled up at all times you must be. At this point, you have to ask yourself, who has this man fallen for, the real you or the spokesperson version of you? Could he accept you in pure form, without all the extras?

I’m sure we all can agree that first impressions hold significant value. There is no doubt about that. But they are important for a reason that many of us miss. It’s true that they are what can make or break you on a first date but who says you can’t still be yourself in the process?

If you are not a woman who likes wearing added hair or spending hours on end in a nail salon, then don’t. Wearing make-up not your thing? Then rock your natural glow. Sometimes we get too hung up on impressing a guy that we lose our true images in the process.

The best first impressions are always the realest ones. And that is what he should be falling for.

The female population is quite diverse wouldn’t you say? Our uniqueness in style of dress from the way that we rock our hair sets us apart from each other. Many positive things that you can say about us women. Now on to the not so positive things, or better yet differences between us women folk and one of the biggest is being lifestyles. Some of us are used to getting nice things every now and then from our significant others. A random delivery of flowers on the job or walking into your house with a home cooked meal waiting for you on the kitchen table. Most women would absolutely adore a man like this. Oh, but not an O.P.F. That’s minor to an Overly Pampered Female.

Don’t know what an O.P.F. is? Let me break it down for you.

An O.P.F. is woman that the cake, icing, the toppings. Hell, she wants everything on the dessert table. She wants it all and is not satisfied until she gets it.

The thousand dollar shopping sprees, the expensive dinners night after night; this sister asks and this sister gets. The first amendment in her eyes the right to spend and be pampered with no limits attached.

Who is to blame for this spoiled, “Money can buy my love” type of woman?

Their man of course; his mentality is to keep her happy at all cost, even if it means racking up overdraft fees in the process. It’s all about pleasing the O.P.F. She is used to glitz and glamour and her man will see to it that nothing has to change.

See, some women get used to a certain lifestyle. Some women are used to their man not being able to spend endless amounts of money on them and are very content with whatever he is able to do for them. On the other end of the spectrum, there are those who have grown quite fond of the “good life” that they have been living. Being overly pampered is not a privilege to them; it’s damn near a right. And if you try to take that right away from her, all hell will break loose. The attitude starts flarin’, the mouth starts runnin’ and most of all, the denial starts setting in.

They can’t quite grasp the fact that they can’t ball out like they used to because their man has suffered a pay cut or they have had that “pink slip delivery”. Things have totally changed for their family financially and buying a new pair of Louboutin shoes is not top priority on your man’s list.

Downsizing is the focus now. Trying to figure out how to pay the bills is the focus now. Bills first, Dooney and Burke, second.

The O.P.F.’s have a hard time understanding this though. “No” is a word that they have grown unfamiliar with and is non-existence in their vocabulary. And “broke” is one that they try to dodge like a bullet. Simplicity is a stretch and hard to stomach for them.

So until the men who are in relationships with them grow some serious balls, they will always be sure to catch a case of an O.P.F.

Why do you miss me once I walk out of your life?

By: Taren Vaughan

Loyal people are truly hard to find these days, especially when it comes to relationships. People who are always there for you when you need them, who do anything they need to see you happy and just all around have that potential to be that solid partner that anyone would want in their lives; well anyone expect you. Here this person is, doing everything that you ask of them and more. They go out of their way to help you when you most need it and can really accept you for who you are. And you still continue to brush them off like it’s nothing. After shutting them down one time too many, this person that was once head over hills for you has had enough. And they have now made it a point to keep their distance from you.

The daily phone calls and text messages you get from them become less and less. And depending on how bad their feelings are hurt, you may get removed from their friends list on all social networks too. You are now upset at the fact that they removed themselves from the picture completely. So you go out of your way to try to get in contact with this person. Blowing their phone up, sending Facebook messages left and right and even tweeting about them sporadically when you think no one is paying attention.

What has gotten into you? You didn’t want them when they were all in your face. You could have cared less when they were doing nice things for you to simply show you how much they care about you. But now all of a sudden you are thinking about them, wondering where they are and what they are doing? Now that doesn’t make much sense. Wait, I get it. You thought that person wasn’t going anywhere? Thought they would be around forever?

If an individual is a true catch, a person who really has it together in all areas, what made you think that the next man or woman wasn’t going to come along and snatch them up? When you don’t take the opportunity to make things official with that person, someone else will gladly come and take them off your hands. The problem is we think that won’t happen. A lot of us have in our minds that the people who are crazy about us are going to be right by our side forever. And that’s just not how things play out most of the time. Getting dismissed over and over again is not something that people will continue to do. A change will come sooner than you think.

It’s funny how we begin to miss someone once they are gone out of our lives. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. But is that really the case? Do you really miss that person as much as you say you do? Or is it that you just honestly thought that they would never leave? Sometimes, I think it can be a bit of both. Either way, it all comes down to the fact that we take for granted the people who are really there for us; the ones who prove to us a million times over how much we mean to them. The sad thing about it is that when we finally come to our senses and see that just maybe this person is worth a chance, it’s usually a little too late.

Passing up the opportunity to be with someone who has proven to you that they really want to be with you and who is sincere about it seems crazy right? But we do it all the time. As unimaginable as it may seem, one day that person won’t be there. And your opportunity to make things work with them will become non-existent, simply because you left everything up to chance. Leave it up to chance if you want to. One day you will wake up and that person will be with someone else, never to look your way again. Are you really willing to risk that?

It’s easy to master one of these but can he be all three?

In this brave new world, cash rules everything around us- not excluding dating. Throughout history women have been subjected to pre-arranged marriages, being sold off as dowries, and even the oldest profession of prostitution as a way of living the good life and having male attention. Only in recent history women have been granted the freedom to choose her mate. Ironically many women have chosen to bank their future not on the premise of love but on money. Gold digging is no longer a sport for the groupies as every day ladies are cruising the streets looking for Mr. Big 401k. Some man with a big wallet isn’t always Prince Charming on a white horse, even if he can afford the carriage ride.

Men are the new women. In this day and age men are courted and pursued like the way women were in the not so distant past. The most sought after men are the not the ones with the biggest hearts, but the biggest income. Looks, intelligence, personality, and even compatibility are no match for a Daddy Warbucks. Rich guys even have sugar daddy websites further solidifying the power of his almighty dollar. The douchebaggery behavior that many of these Primo Don divos exhibit is overlooked and ignored as they flaunt their benjamins like food for women who seem to be as hungry as starving Africans for money attention and affection. Some of these guys even let their appearance fall off as no one cares how fat and unhealthy they are as long as the checks keep rollin’ in. Always the discriminator, these hefty high rollers wouldn’t dare date a woman as unfit or unattractive as they are. Many are just playboys trying girls out as women compete for them like they are training for the 2012 London Olympics. Jumping through the hoops of his heart may take years as the winner of the prize is often the one most willing to put up with unsavory bullsh-t. Even as the number of available men seem to decrease, the regular guys don’t stand a chance against ol’ money bags. What is it about these rich guys that seems to permit women to compromise on the most basic of their needs to chase the waterfalls of mansions and Mercedes Benzes?

The regular guy can’t win for losing. He falls back as the Miss Independent’s of the world pass him by in the races of prestigious positions at work only to be badmouthed and belittled by women that won’t date him because he isn’t rich. Rich losers are exalted and regular guys get lumped in with Federlines in the dating hierarchy. Around the way boys have become disillusioned with the bold rejections they receive at the manicured hands of women, demasculated because they aren’t taken seriously. Sure they may be a Mel Bushman, but they never see the respect and admiration they need that their rich counterparts bask in. Women talk, behave, and expect totally different things from the regs. At one hint of impropriety these guys are cut off with the quickness, while rich douches string women along until they’re done with them. Even if they share interests, jokes, and good times with the modern-day chica, these connections are dwarfed by the dollar. Unable to figure out what women really want, lots of these guys settle for nights out with the boys and strippers when they need the undivided attention of a female.

Life isn’t cheap. The cost of living grows higher and higher and the finer things in life seem more accessible than ever. Hypnotized by MTV Cribs and The Real Housewives, we look at glamor as something to be magically bestowed upon us rather than earned. The financial advantages of the few as seen as the sole symbols of success and equated with happiness. As money plays a huge part in what we can experience in life, love and true companionship should be the anchor of every relationship, even if the relationship isn’t equipped with a yacht. To sacrifice who you are and what is authentic to you for financial gain is an unecessary toll in a cold world, especially when the best things in life are free.

Dawn Marbury is one of our featured writers. She is a talented writer who writes an awesome and an extremely witty blog entitled The Bourgeoisie And The Beast when she isn't working on her own books. Check out her site, it's addictive.

As we pursue love, we will encounter all types of men. We'll run into the bad guys, the in betweens, and the most desirable creatures that we refer to as the "good men." Throughout the hunt, there will be many moments when we don't walk away with anything tangible--but instead mixed feelings oozing with complexity. We give our time and precious moments to men who we deem worthy of our best, and then we hope that we will receive their best in return. It only seems fair that we would get what we put out to everyone we encounter in our quest for real love. But that's the thing with fairness: what's fair doesn't always come to pass. And with some people, the only thing you will ever truly have with them is hope. With hope comes expectations and rarely will those expectations be met.

It's no secret that women are the most emotional of the two genders. We rely on our hearts in moments we should rely on our brains, and we tend to see the finish line before the pistol even goes off. There's no trace of gun smoke, and we're already claiming a victory. Sure, that man is a pretty good man according to our near-impossible set of standards, but that's only part of the battle.

A few months in, and you're still headed nowhere. You are giving this man your undivided attention, yet there's still nothing concrete between the two of you. The talks of a possible relationship have decreased as the months pass by, and you're still hoping that something more will happen eventually. You may think that you could possibly have a good thing--but all you really have is hope.

You hope that it could grow into something more, some good lovin', and a definite relationship; but he keeps on dragging his feet as if he knows that you ain't going nowhere. Why? Because he knows you'll settle for hope. That's all you really have now, yet you're still there and he's peeped game.

As women, it's situations like these that we should never place ourselves in. There is nothing more precious than time, yet we'll allow just about anyone to waste it.

Men are practical creatures. They do what they want and move at a pace that makes sense to them. You can be the best woman to ever walk the planet, but that doesn't incline every man to be with you or agree that you're the best thing since sliced bread. While this does not in any way diminish from who you are as a woman, it's definitely your cue to move it along, and leave those hopes to the younger girls who don't know any better. Grown women don't want hope, we want stability. And to get stability, you must let go of all that is unstable.

Simply put, if he wants you, he'll go get you. Until then, there's no need to wish upon a star that he will wake up and realize how great of a woman you are. Wishes were good enough when we were young and blowing out candles on birthday cakes, but there comes a time when you want to do more than satisfy your sweet tooth, hell, it's time for some nourishment.

And why be with a man that can't even see what you see in yourself? If you ever get into a relationship, you'll continue to spend most of your relationship proving your worth. Can you imagine always having to fight to meet a man's expectations when he isn't even concerned about yours? It's exhausting and self-demeaning. You're better than that and you're surely better than a relationship that won't go any further than good wish upon a star.

No man, no matter how great he may truly be, deserves the right to put your happiness on hold. No one should have that much power, and we shouldn't settle for fantasies, hopes, or wishes when we're blazing trails in other areas of our lives.

But as human beings, it’s quite natural for us to hope for many things. It was hope itself that landed a black man in the White House—but maybe hope is more dangerous than we’d like to believe...even if it does make history in some instances. Someone is going to lose, and it’s usually the person who hopes. If a man isn't actively pursuing you, keep your options open.

Save yourself the time and only get serious about men who are serious about you. Life's too short to settle for hopes that will never materialize, and you deserve something real.

The Feminist Movement has created a new creed of women: the fearless and unconquerable independent woman. Let's be clear, it's commendable for any woman to take on the challenges of succeeding on her own, paving her own way, and taking care of herself. Who wouldn't celebrate a woman who refuses to depend on a man to come and save her from life's many obstacles, but instead saves herself? But there also comes a point where women may mistake independence with forsaking men all together. And that's the biggest mistake any independent woman could ever make.

The independent woman may be immune to defeat, but is she really immune to love? And if she is, why would she want to be?

Now there are some independent ladies that have had horrible experiences with the other gender. They let their guard downs for men who were unworthy, and gave their hearts away to men who had no plans of returning the romantic gesture.

Many sleepless nights and disappointments turned this woman's heart cold, and a surge of bitterness leaves her unable to love and unable to trust. It's understandable as it's painful for a woman to get her heart broken against her better judgment, but it doesn't mean that men are somehow irrelevant to the equation of better days.

In love, we will pick the wrong men before we pick the right man. All of our disappointments, no matter how painful, are teachable moments in love and relationships. The independent sister must not forget that she too needs love, and it's hard to ever get love if you view men as the enemy, and allow bitterness to consume you and have you thinking that you could live without romance.

The independent woman just wants to be strong and survive in a cold world full of people that she can't technically depend on. It makes sense, but it's easy to mistake strength for something totally different: cowardliness. There's a lot of independent cowards out here labeling themselves as independent women. What does strength mean to you?

There's two ways to look at strength: survival through the unexpected twists and turns of life or to shut out people or circumstances in life that you can't control. To fully live, is to understand that we cannot try to control every aspect of our lives. We can decide to endure all that comes, but in no way can we control all that comes. And real strength comes from dedication to enduring all, not picking and choosing what to avoid.

It's easy to mistake the two since strong women feel that they must have total authority over their own lives. But it's your own view of independence that will determine the possibilities that you open or close yourself up to. Simply put, it all comes down to an attitude.

For me, independent means going to school, getting a degree, and succeeding in my career on my own since there's a 60% chance that I won't get married. It doesn't mean I don't need love. I am just prepared just in case Happily Ever After doesn't happen. Men shouldn't feel so inferior that they think we don't need them, and women shouldn't be so confused to think we don't. We both need each other. It's human nature.

Besides, God made Adam and Eve...and both were essential to mankind.

Live your life and don't be afraid to rely on yourself, but don't let independence hinder you from experiencing a love like no other. To love, is to fully live. So live abundantly, my independent sisters.

As I learn more and more about relationships, I am continuously asked the same question from men and women: Do soulmates really exist? There are many ways that I could answer this question, but then I realize that most people have yet to understand real love--so I can imagine why soulmates would be a more difficult feat to master, as well nearly impossible to put into motion. Numbers pose the biggest threat to the theory, as we are selfish by nature and unable to fathom that one person out of billions is essential to our equation of forever more. But what's hard to understand isn't necessarily false; it just requires a little maturity from those who seek clarity and the truth to a question that will ultimately shape our entire lives...for better of for worse.

The theory of soulmates states that there is one person that you were created to share the rest of your life with. The connection between these two lovers is supposed to be immediate and the attraction unbreakable. To most, a soul mate equals a perfect mate and one that we instantly bond with and love unconditionally. For these listed reasons, it's easy to understand why soul mates are viewed more as fairy tales rather than a possibility we should all strive for.

I for one originally believed that one could have several soul mates. After a series of relationships, I believed myself to have been in love a few times and I could have ended up with a few different men. I chose neither of those men in the end, but for a long time I believed that I could have. And that belief is what led me to believe that we all have many soul mates, and that "the one" was just a matter of choice.

That was then, and this is now. And I realize now that although it does come down to choice, it also comes down to a little wisdom.

Have you ever wanted to change someone so they could be more compatible?

You honestly believe you love this person, but you are more in love with who they could potentially become if you do enough pushing and pulling. You could make them a more honest person, change their religious beliefs, and supply them with a little more ambition. You could change that person into the mate you need. In essence, these changes encouraged by yourself, could make an unlovable person lovable.

And there's the problem.

No where in the definition of a soul mate does it say that you need to do a little altering and fixing up. It said that the attraction was immediate and that the bond was natural.

So why are you insisting on converting a man into a soulmate when he should just naturally be your soulmate? And isn't it the pushing and the pulling that causes the end to most of our relationships? In love, there is no creation required.

Although the definition of soul mates sounds good, in it you will find flaws.

The truth is there is nothing immediate about true love. We have to get to know people and endure the obstacles of a real relationship before we can develop a bond with anyone. And this is true of friendships, as well as romances.

An instant attraction does not always equal love--sometimes it just leads to lust and heartbreak.

But that's where the wisdom comes in. Wisdom will help us decipher between meaningless flings, lust, and relationships fueled by loneliness. It also helps us discover the truth about ourselves, and puts our needs into focus as we begin to look for a partner.

And it will be wisdom again, that will save us from wasting our time and energy into fixing a lover up to fit the mold of a soulmate--when they themselves were meant to be temporary. To find real love, one must sharpen up on their wisdom.

But the theory in itself is not completely untrue, for out of billions, there is indeed one person that will be the perfect fit for us. And when I say the perfect fit, I in no way mean that they themselves will be perfect...but they will be perfect for us.

They won't need any altering, because even in their flaws we will find lovable annoyances.

This person will come into your life, and it will suddenly make sense why it never worked with anyone else. But be thankful for the others who came and left, for without them, you wouldn't be the person who perfectly fits with your soul mate.

And in that alone, we should find comfort in broken hearts and failed relationships. Without them, you'd never end up with the person that was meant for you out of billions. Just make sure that you don't miss out on "the one" for "the right now"--fixing the temporary will surely cause you to miss out what was meant to last forever.

Are you able to take the ups and downs of your relationship?

By: Taren Vaughan

Relationships can be some of the most wonderful things that two people can take part in. Spending endless amounts of time with the one you care so deeply for leaves you in total bliss. Just the mere thought of that person puts a smile on your face. Then all of a sudden, things take a turn for the worst. The constant arguing begins to occur. You two couldn’t see eye to eye if you were standing right in front of each other. Everything imaginable seems to be going wrong. And your once loving, peaceful partnership has began to spiral downhill. Then in the blink of an eye, you are on cloud nine once again. And everything is back to normal. Be that as it may, at any given moment, you know that things could change up.

True all relationships have their ups and downs. There is no secret at all about that. But does there come a time when this love roller coaster of yours should come to a complete stop?

At some point or another, we have had, or know someone that has had, a relationship like this. This relationship has its great moments, which are sometimes flaunted in the faces of your closest confidants. But lo and behold, this very same partnership can suffer some bad ones too that often stick out in your head like a sore thumb. One minute, he was the sweetest guy and you couldn’t get enough of him. The next minute, he is showing his ass and getting on the last good nerve that you have.

How could this be possible? How could the same person who brought so much joy into your life cause you so much pain?

Being involved in a relationship is not an easy thing to do. And to the overly optimistic individuals out there who think relationships are a walk in the park haven’t a clue. You can almost think of them as second jobs with the amount of work that some of us put into them. Personal sacrifices have to be made in order for them to truly work out for the best. You give a little, and he does the same in return. But by no means should the sacrifice that you make for your relationship be at the continuous expense of your feelings.

The roller coaster of love can have its fun and memorable moments. Just like the real thing, it can take you to great heights, where you feel like you are on top of the world. But with those great parts of this ride, you will also run into those twists and turns that may not always be to your liking. Or experience that sudden drop in your partnership that you didn’t see coming. Yes, relationships do involve putting your feelings on the line. And they are not always picture perfect, with no flaws at all. But when you get to the point where you begin to feel emotionally drained by someone, that could be your sign to officially hang it up.

So I'm not the avid dater I used to be, but I figured that I would dust off my old list just for kicks. And when I mention this particular list, I'm referring to THE list. Every woman has had a list whether it's some shabby piece of notebook paper hidden away from your younger days or permanently scribbled in your mind; It's clear that we know just exactly what we want from a man as we climb up in age. And it's nothing wrong with having a few demands when it comes to love, but it is a problem to require from others what you don't even require from yourself.


In my early 20s, my girlfriends and I would dish over cocktails just what we had to have in a man. We sincerely believed our requests were realistic and rational, and found ourselves severely disappointed when these requests were not fully met failed relationship after failed relationship. We just could not fathom how on earth these simple needs were so difficult for men to fulfill. It's not like we were asking for a six figure salary making brother, who happened to model on the side, had the perfect chiseled body and biceps, and fed the hungry while maintaining several fortune 500 companies.
We opted for realism.

What we did want is a man who had the maturity verses the swag, intelligence, and a giving heart that could make a relationship a prosperous one. Instead, we got college degree toting brothers who could give us stimulating conversations, graduated top of their class, but had a level of selfishness that made the relationship unbearable.

This happened so frequently that we grew tired of even discussing what we just didn't have.

Why is it that such amazing women attract some of the most selfish men?

It's a scenario that we see time and time again. The successful sister who worked her behind off in college, fought the injustices of corporate America, and landed on top as the forerunner at her dream job, but couldn't quite land the same amount of success in love.

She's the type of woman that any man with sense should be chasing down the aisle...she should have options. Instead, she has the educated brother who's smart enough to perform well in the workplace, but he just can't manage to get over himself long enough to think about what she wants.

Sound familiar?

Sometimes we get so lost in these lists and having the things that we want, that we naturally begin to forget about the needs of others. When we scribble down what our dream man must be like, we don't take the time to think about whether we ourselves are a dream to the man we so desperately seek.

You want a man that's considerate, giving, intelligent, and ambitious...well how about yourself?

Are you giving, intelligent, and an ambitious young woman?

Or have you even considered that just maybe he too has some important things that he needs to be just as happy?

After growing tired from poisonous relationships with selfish men, I realized that I too had been selfish to a very damaging degree. I had went on and on about what I wanted, but not once did I have the maturity to look at myself in the mirror to see if I was a beckon of happiness to my dream man.

Our partners are usually an adult size mirror version of ourselves. We complain and complain some more about these horrid brothers, but in some instances, they are a clear reflection of ourselves at that particular moment of our lives. Successful, intelligent, but selfish as hell with a long list or requirements that mention nothing of what they plan to give in return. Their resume is love worthy, but their "all about me" attitudes are not.

That selfish brother came right into the picture after you selfishly scribbled down what you wanted from a man. He may have had the degree and the drive, but he was too selfish to make the relationship work.

You're back at square one again because you forgot one important rule:

In love, you have to become what you want now in order to get what you want later.

It's the law of attraction.

When we are able to give what we need to others, someone will come along who is willing to give us those needs in return. A relationship has to be 50/50, so flip on the other side of your list and check to make sure you're giving what you are demanding.

And just maybe you will be ahead of the other list hugging sisters, and be the type of woman that makes brothers want nothing more than to leave you satisfied and needing nothing. It starts with a list and ends with a woman who can see past herself.

Look in the mirror and you'll be able to see the bigger picture.

Are you the dream that you require your man to be?