Soraya Mathias Blog

Love

Who is he really feeling…The real you or your spokesperson?

By: Taren Vaughan

First impressions…how crucial they can be. One slip of the tongue, strand of hair out of place or a fail in wardrobe selection can make that first date your very last. Your appearance along with the things that come out of your mouth are your life lines. And knowing this, we try our hardest to be on point with every single thing, no matter how much it cost or how long it takes to do.

And when it comes to this, some of us as women can get a little out of control with it, transforming into a person that we ourselves have never even seen before; a character that is completely different from our normal selves.

Just that morning, you had shoulder length hair, a simple manicure and a light coat of make-up. Date time comes around and things change with the quickness. Hair is flowing down your back, nails are a couple inches longer now and make-up is caked on extra thick. Seeing you all dolled up this way, surely a man would be impressed and want to see you again and maybe even take it a step further. Much props to you for that but did you ever stop to think that he may be expecting the exact same replica of you on a regular basis?

So now you go from weavin’ it up for one night to having to keep it up on a consistent basis. Taking numerous trips to the nail salon is now apart of your agenda. And no more stepping outside of the house bare faced with a pair of jeans or sweats on. Dolled up at all times you must be. At this point, you have to ask yourself, who has this man fallen for, the real you or the spokesperson version of you? Could he accept you in pure form, without all the extras?

I’m sure we all can agree that first impressions hold significant value. There is no doubt about that. But they are important for a reason that many of us miss. It’s true that they are what can make or break you on a first date but who says you can’t still be yourself in the process?

If you are not a woman who likes wearing added hair or spending hours on end in a nail salon, then don’t. Wearing make-up not your thing? Then rock your natural glow. Sometimes we get too hung up on impressing a guy that we lose our true images in the process.

The best first impressions are always the realest ones. And that is what he should be falling for.

The title explains it all.

By: Taren Vaughan

The female population is quite diverse wouldn’t you say? Our uniqueness in style of dress from the way that we rock our hair sets us apart from each other. Many positive things that you can say about us women. Now on to the not so positive things, or better yet differences between us women folk and one of the biggest is being lifestyles. Some of us are used to getting nice things every now and then from our significant others. A random delivery of flowers on the job or walking into your house with a home cooked meal waiting for you on the kitchen table. Most women would absolutely adore a man like this. Oh, but not an O.P.F. That’s minor to an Overly Pampered Female.

Don’t know what an O.P.F. is? Let me break it down for you.

An O.P.F. is woman that the cake, icing, the toppings. Hell, she wants everything on the dessert table. She wants it all and is not satisfied until she gets it.

The thousand dollar shopping sprees, the expensive dinners night after night; this sister asks and this sister gets. The first amendment in her eyes the right to spend and be pampered with no limits attached.

Who is to blame for this spoiled, “Money can buy my love” type of woman?

Their man of course; his mentality is to keep her happy at all cost, even if it means racking up overdraft fees in the process. It’s all about pleasing the O.P.F. She is used to glitz and glamour and her man will see to it that nothing has to change.

See, some women get used to a certain lifestyle. Some women are used to their man not being able to spend endless amounts of money on them and are very content with whatever he is able to do for them. On the other end of the spectrum, there are those who have grown quite fond of the “good life” that they have been living. Being overly pampered is not a privilege to them; it’s damn near a right. And if you try to take that right away from her, all hell will break loose. The attitude starts flarin’, the mouth starts runnin’ and most of all, the denial starts setting in.

They can’t quite grasp the fact that they can’t ball out like they used to because their man has suffered a pay cut or they have had that “pink slip delivery”. Things have totally changed for their family financially and buying a new pair of Louboutin shoes is not top priority on your man’s list.

Downsizing is the focus now. Trying to figure out how to pay the bills is the focus now. Bills first, Dooney and Burke, second.

The O.P.F.’s have a hard time understanding this though. “No” is a word that they have grown unfamiliar with and is non-existence in their vocabulary. And “broke” is one that they try to dodge like a bullet. Simplicity is a stretch and hard to stomach for them.

So until the men who are in relationships with them grow some serious balls, they will always be sure to catch a case of an O.P.F.

Do you ever truly benefit from being a good woman and when will it happen?

By: Taren Vaughan

When, Where or Will it ever happen period? These are the three questions that many women out here searching for love have. And ironically, these thoughts are coming from the minds of those who have a lot going on for themselves, not only career wise but morally as well. The women who stay loyal to the ones that could care less about returning the favor and who go out of their way time after time to mend their broken relationships with men who couldn’t give a one good damn about saving anything.

Puzzling how these are the sisters that get left hanging all time isn’t it?

As crazy as it seems that things go down like this a whole lot more often than they should, it is even more mind-boggling to the women who actually have to deal with the nonsense. How is it that a woman who truly embodies all of these great qualities gets overlooked for the female who brings absolutely nothing at all valuable to the table?

As this horrible pattern continues on, over and over again we will see a woman put her best foot forward in her relationships, doing all of the so-called “right things” and yet they still seem to crumble right before her eyes. Will that ever come to an end for her? Will she ever truly get her payback for being the good woman that she is?

Good woman meets good man and they live happily ever after should be the storyline that we should see unfolding for a person like this. But the reality of it is that the most fabulous females are treated horribly before they start to see their efforts pay off. And mind you, when I speak of a fabulous female, I am not talking about the one stuntin’ and showing off in her favorite pair of stilettos on a night out with her girls. I’m talking about the woman that carries herself like a lady and with an extreme amount of class to go along with it.

Looking at this type of women, with some of them being your close home girls, relatives or even your own self, you start to ask, “When exactly will they finally get to experience the good side of things and truly reap what they sow when it comes to relationships?”

Now of course you know that all the good girls of the world have to go through that infamous string of jackasses before they end up finding anybody worth keeping around for more than a month or two. That trend there is reserved for all females, the good and the not so good ones. We can’t jump straight into the arms of that one amazing guy overnight, although we wish that it worked that way.

Exceptional women and good men alike go through some of the very same BS repeatedly, leaving them often wondering if their efforts are going in vain. The faith that they once had in settling down in a good, healthy partnership begins to slowly fade. To their surprise though, somewhere out there is a person that will recognize, better yet, appreciate, all of the things that they do. All of the random gift giving for no reason, the way that they are always there for people at the drop of a dime and the compassion that they show towards people will stop going unnoticed.

So to that good girl whose heart never gets a breather from being broken even though she does everything in her power to soothe and comfort those of the men in her life, her day is right around the corner. And if she is you, when the one who you are truly supposed to be with comes around, trust me, you will forget about all the other losers that made their way into your life.

Your big payback…it’s on its way. Just make sure that you are ready to receive it.

Have your past dating troubles led you to hold your guard up way too strong?

By: Taren Vaughan

After years of dating, many of us have had the opportunity to come in contact with some rather “interesting” characters along the way; some of which we end up in serious relationships with for months, or even years at a time. Despite the dating woes that many of us have had, there are a number of women out there who are lucky enough to have the chance to be in those types of relationships. And for those who do manage to dodge the losers out there, find themselves in the best partnerships that they have ever experienced. But as those who find their matches, a lot times you have get into a handful of bad relationships before you get to the good stuff. Bad part about that is that they can be some of the worst ones ever, ones that you had no business being in the first place. And these horrible partnerships are a leading cause as to why certain women have a hard time letting their guards down and freely expressing their emotions and feelings like they once did before.

Why do we have a tendency to do that? Put up our guards and become overly protective of our hearts the way that we do?

Honestly, after all the crazy BS that some women go through with men that they are involved with, who can really blame them for putting their guards up? And when you are talking about a female who has repeatedly gotten her heart broken by not one, but a string of different men in her lifetime, it’s especially hard for her to re-develop that sense of trust that she once had before in men, if she ever does.

As we feel for the sister who is struggling with this at this very moment, what about the brother who is next in line to come her way? Thanks to the asshole that came before him, the task of getting to know her and coming close to her heart has become just that much harder to do. But what happens though when it gets to the point where every man that even acts like he is making his way in your direction is harshly rejected without being given a mere ounce of a chance? This is the point in time when holding up your guard can become a problem.

Having your guard up too strong will not only keep the bad men away. But it will push the good ones right out the door along with them.

I think we can all safely say without getting a verbal confirmation from our male counterparts, that men don’t like dealing with women who have excess baggage. Bag ladies are probably number one, or at least come in a close second when it comes to women on their lists to stand clear of when it comes to dating. Nor do they take kindly to the self proclaimed ice queens either. What man is going to waste his time going after a woman who openly admits she has no heart or feelings whatsoever? Men like to chase us now, but they don’t like to make themselves look like complete fools in the process.

As much as we hold on tight to our guards, they can be the very things that keep us from finding true love. And yes, true love does really exist. It’s not something that some random person made up. No, you shouldn't become naïve and think that no man can do wrong and is incapable of mistreating you. Everybody, man or woman, should protect their hearts to a certain extent. But becoming an ice queen and throwing the towel in on finding your soul mate will get you nowhere fast. And will probably have you living the single life for much longer than you would like to be.

So ease up on that choke hold that you have on your heart. And keep in mind that not every man that steps to you is on a mission to break it.

Is a man ever too young or too old to steal your heart?

By: Taren Vaughan

A good man is not a person that you bump into on a daily basis. And you usually find him when you are not even looking for anything serious with anybody. He has all the things that you have been searching your whole life for. It almost seems like he is too good to be true at times. A real gentleman he is and knows how to treat you like the queen that you are. But there’s a slight problem with this wonderful person that you have grown so attached to. He is not quite on your level…Your age level that is.

For some women, this is not even considered a problem at all. The age of the men that they are in relationships with is irrelevant simply because of the fact that the men know how to handle themselves like mature adults, even if their ages don’t reflect it.

On the other hand, robbin’ the cradle or looking like somebody’s daughter instead of their girlfriend is not the look some females are going for. Women with this mindset, a man’s age can play a huge role in whether or not he stands a chance with her. And depending on how pressed she is about it, he may not even get her phone number let alone a relationship. Not everybody is trying to pull a page out of Vivica and Mariah’s book.

Does it ever come to a point where a man is just way too young or too old for you? When the age gap between you two is just down right ridiculous?

A few of our readers gave their take on how important the age of the man that they are dating is:

“Me personally, I don’t think there is an age limit when it comes to love. As hard as it is to find good men out here, I think us women should be a little more lenient when it comes to the age of the men that we date. I have dated men older than me and younger than me. And let me just say that the younger ones treated me much better and were much more mature than the older ones, surprisingly”

-LaTasha M.
Age: 39
Baton Rouge, LA

“Age matters to me when it comes to guys, simply because I know that women mature faster than men do and for me to date a man that is significantly younger than me would be backtracking in a sense. I normally date men my age or ones that are older than me. But trust me, I still have had issues with both”

-Angela G.
Age: 29
Newport News, VA

“A man can only be a few years younger or older than me. Anything past 5 or 6 years is a little too much for me”

-Yolanda L.
Age: 25
Charleston, SC

From these comments alone, it is obvious that we all have different opinions when it comes to the age of the men that we get involved with.

Some of us go after guys that are a lot younger than us, just for the thrill. It’s the “cougar” in some women that steers them towards the youngsters all the time. Then there are those that are looking to have a sugar daddy on their arm, buying them everything and spending crazy amounts of money on them. Forget the fact that this man is damn near old enough to be your father.

Why would a woman do this to herself? Get involved with a man that is nowhere near close to her age?

One thing we always forget is that love knows no age difference, even though we can clearly see it for ourselves. It’s hard to keep yourself from falling for a person just because your birth years don’t look good on paper beside each other.

But as love holds no age limit, exactly how old are we talking here?

A few years age difference is pretty harmless, even though it can be an instant turnoff for the picky people of the world. But when the age gap gets into the double digits, it can get quite interesting and hard to deal with. What if you want to have a family one day? In this scenario, age does matter; both yours and his. With something like that, it’s more about health factors than society’s approval than anything. There are a lot of things that should be considered when it comes to dating outside your age group. And I'm not even talking about the shallow ones. Ultimately when it comes down to it though, you just really have to know what you are getting yourself into. And know for sure that this is a man that you can see yourself happy with, whether he is a few years shy of you or not.

Which man are you really trying to have on your arm?

By: Taren Vaughan

Finding “The One” is not something that just happens overnight, although we wish it was that simple. It can take years of dating and rubbing elbows with a few douche bags here and there before you will come across a man that you could potentially spend the rest of your life with. And knowing that it can take this long prior to you even stepping your foot onto the dating scene can lead some of us to become overly anxious. So anxious that we will put our search of Mr. Right on the back burner and resort to picking up the next best thing to him…Mr. Right Now. Very similar in titles, these two men, but trust and believe there is a huge difference between them.

Allow me to break down Mr. Right Now.

Mr. Right Now is a man who will do for the time being. He is not deemed as “The One” by any stretch of the imagination because most likely, you probably only know the bare minimum about this dude. You know his general information that a stranger off the street could pick up on during a casual conversation with him. He is not the worst there is out there. He must be a tolerable individual and not a flat out asshole for you to have him around. But all in all, he is most definitely not the one that you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with. Too many personal flaws stop him from even being in the running for that. Overall though, he is the one that is just right to have on your arm for now. Nothing serious at all are you looking for with this man.

Doesn’t sound too much like the man you’ll want to walk down the aisle with.

So if Mr. Right Now is such a fail waiting to happen, why do so many of us go after this type of guy?

Loneliness, that’s why.

As frustrating as dating can be looking for the man of your dreams can become discouraging, time consuming, all of the above. And lead us to put our quest for true love on pause. And this frustration usually results in us getting with a man simply to fill that void until the real deal comes along. Is that really the way to go though? Getting with a guy just for the hell of it just because you are getting tired of looking for the person who you could spend the rest of your years with?

Mr. Right Now may seem very tempting as he is just enough man to get you by for the moment. But what happens when he over stays his welcome? Just because you have labeled him as “the man of the hour”, doesn’t mean that he is aware of his real purpose with you. That brother may really believe that he is something special to you when in actuality he is nothing but a temporary love. Now, you are stuck with a man who you knew from the start was just supposed to be a around for the meantime; A man that you know good and damn well is not up to par when it comes to what you are looking for in a life long partner.

What’s the biggest difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now?

Mr. Right is the one that every woman should be in search of if they are honestly looking for a partnership that will last longer than a month. He is the one that meets the relatives and friends. He is the one that you look to build a family with. He is the one that provides you with moral support and is loyal to you and the relationship that you have with him. And if you are truly trying to find a man who you can do all of these things with, there is really no place for Mr. Right Now in your life. Leave him to someone that is just trying to have a little fun to satisfy their boredom and disgust with the dating pool.

When you are on a true mission to find a good man to form a solid partnership with, think about what kind of man you are going after. You may try to convince yourself that you are looking for Mr. Right. But before you make that claim, take a good, long look at the man that stands beside you. Is he really what you are looking for in a future partner? Or is he just a five day fix to your loneliness?

Why is Valentine’s Day the only day that he expresses his love for you?

By: Taren Vaughan

Valentine’s Day is the day that many women look forward to and many men dread because they have to often spend hours on end doing the one thing that a lot of them hate to do…shop. However, this day of love can bring a lot of joyous moments for couples who choose to celebrate it. Engagement rings are given, anniversaries are celebrated, and a number of beautiful things can come from February 14th. As all of these things are very wonderful, in the midst of the good that arises from Valentine’s Day, a lot of the fakeness comes out of people too. One of the biggest things being them dropping the “I Love You” phrase.

Saying that you love someone isn’t a bad thing to do. Being in love is a wonderful thing and any of us who have truly been in love know that firsthand. But when you feel the need to say it only because it’s Valentine’s Day, that is a problem. And if this is the only time of the year when your man has the sudden urge to do something nice for you, that ain’t the business either. Crazy thing is though that some women are just fine with this. Since we have a tendency to be very competitive when it comes to our relationships, if our man does something special, and for some women “special” means “expensive”, for us on V-Day, he suddenly becomes a saint in our eyes. And has us braggin’ to our girls about what he bought us and how much money he spent. In the process of glorifying your "Prince Charming", you totally dismiss the fact that this man has been a complete asshole to you for the other 364 days out of the year.

You mean to tell me that a man could treat you like pure trash for an entire year and just because he steps his game up for one day, you are screaming that he is the best thing in the world? Be for real. Just because he does this does not mean that for one, his actions are sincere. Secondly, why can’t he seem to be more like this everyday instead of just for this 24 hour period? Love is supposed to be a year around thing. Not something that is only shown on select holidays or whenever he gets the random urge to do so.

Am I being too harsh about a day that is supposed to be so full of love?

May seem like it but I have to kick the truth about all this. Speaking for myself, I have never been big on a man spending insane amounts of money on me. Do I like nice things? Absolutely I do. What woman doesn’t like being wined and dined from time to time. But when it all comes down to it, wouldn’t you rather your man have some meaning behind the things that he says and does for you? And not do it all for show?

If it comes down to a guy spending the very last dollar in his pocket to show you how much you mean to him, he can save it. Because if you truly know that your man loves you, is it really necessary that he go out and spending excessive amounts of money on you for this one day out of the year? Is it really that important to you that he does that?

Quite frankly, getting an expensive gift from a man, topped off with a fake “I Love You” is not something that will warm my heart. Sincerity, honesty, and respect are the only things that do that. And there are no price tags that you can put on those. His “I Love You” should mean something. And he shouldn’t say it because he feels pressured to by a holiday where people go damn near broke just to show someone that they care about them.

True love is free of charge. It will never rip like a shirt, get lost like a necklace, worn out like a teddy bear, wither like a rose or bust like a balloon. It will never get old. And the word itself should not be abused because of the mere presence of a baby with a bow and arrow.

Are you really in love or just feel defeated when a relationship ends?

By: Taren Vaughan

As soon as a struggling relationship comes to an end, the tears, heart ache and the love confessions begin to pour out. After putting forth your best effort and making a complete fool of yourself for this man that you were so “in love with”, you still wound up being by yourself. Now you are stuck with having to watch him run off and be happy with another woman, an unbearable sight for many of us I’m sure. As one can expect, weeks and weeks of being sad and depressed will shortly follow. But once you take a break from crying your eyes out, you begin to question what it really is that you are so upset about. What is the true reason behind why you are so devastated? Is it because you were so in love with the person? Or is it more so because your ego was severely damaged by their departure?

Sometimes it’s all about that crushed ego more than anything else.

When a man leaves you, not to go be by himself in the world of the single, but to be with another female, let’s be honest, it can be a huge blow to your ego. And in case you didn’t know, having an ego is not just a man thing. We have them too and can let them get the best of us at times, especially when it comes to relationships.

Some of us flat out think we are way too good for any man who has an ounce of sense in his head to leave. Never would a man do that. Think we are above getting our faces played, cheated on repeatedly and the ultimate, being dismissed. So when it finally does happen to us, we don’t know how to act. This is new to us. And what do we do in retaliation to the unthinkable happening to us? Blame on it all on love. “I loved him so much that’s why I’m so hurt by what he did.”

You sure about that? Sure you want to put all your sorrow off on how much you loved this guy?

As much as we hate to admit it, saying that you were “so in love” is a statement that we run with entirely too much. And it’s not always the cause of those tears that you shed. Is it too far fetched to say that maybe, just maybe, you felt like a loser, defeated because he left you?

Having to deal with the fact that you were not successful in keeping your man and maintaining the relationship that you all had is enough to make you feel like a failure. Facing defeat is not something that anyone, man or woman, does with ease. So the easier thing to do to spare yourself from having to accept that you took a “L” in this one, is to claim that love was involved, when in actuality it was nowhere to be found.

Really think about it. Which one is it that you are truly experiencing? A real heart break or a harsh dose of defeat?

Now it could very well be a mix of both depending on your situation. You could be genuinely in love with a person but at the same time suffer from a damaged ego. No one is saying that’s impossible. But a lot of times, it’s that defeat that has you so sick, not love.

Love or Defeat…Do you know the difference?

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